I was sorry to hear about your break-up with Floyd. The collapse of a relationship is no laughing matter. Actually, that’s not true. When my second marriage ended I laughed for days. But I could see by your face at that tragic press conference that you were horribly upset. I haven’t seen you that broken-hearted since the ANC booted you out of the party.

Floyd being something of a dark horse, it was hard to read his emotions. He tried to pretend to be miserable but came across as quite cheerful compared to you. Then again, one partner generally is more relieved than the other at the end of any relationship.

You said Floyd told you that resigning from the EFF was like resigning from himself. In other words, it’s not you, it’s him. It’s an old line, my friend. It’s like when your teacher is about to flay you with a bamboo cane and says, “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.” It’s not true. I know because I was beaten regularly at school and never once saw the teacher show any signs of being even the slightest bit hurt. Most of them seemed rather pleased.

It might’ve been a mistake telling Floyd that he is “more than welcome” to come back to the EFF and that he would never be your enemy. Sounds familiar. I also had a relationship like that once. You want to be friends with benefits. Good for you. Nothing wrong with shenanigans on a Tuesday afternoon, even if you do have to wear a condom to avoid being infected by MK’s irrational policies.

You said there will be many others who follow your former wingman out of the EFF. Let them go. You’re well shot of the Floydists. They’ll come crawling back when the JC Le Roux runs out.

With a noticeably less sad face, you said: “Jimmy Manyi has also resigned…” Of course he did, because you insisted on calling him by what he describes, all Kunta Kinte-like, as his slave name. When it came to the EFF, Jimmy was about as dispensable as a side-chick in Side-Chick City.

On Sunday, Jimmy, who moves from one party to another like a hormone-crazed teenager looking to get laid, posted a picture of his true love, Jacob Zuma. He wrote: “Baba, the REAL deal!” We all knew he carried a torch for Baba Black Sheep, but his implication that you weren’t the real deal must have stung.

On Monday Jimmy wrote: “It’s absurd that in the Constitutional Democracy, Parliament makes laws and outsource the interpretation function to unsuspecting judges.” A brilliant mind, indeed. The MK brains trust will get a huge boost in the short time he’s there.

Jimmy is like Goebbels if Goebbels had been dropped on his head as a baby and became the village idiot in a Bavarian hamlet instead of Hitler’s propagandist. Floyd is a cross between Damien from The Omen and the blonde one from Dude, Where’s My Car?

You said: “If I die the EFF will have to live beyond me.” What do you mean, if? You do know how this works, right? Perhaps you really are immortal. You’re certainly going to need several lifetimes worth of campaigning if you hope to ever become president of this benighted country.

You’ve probably heard the sceptics saying that Floyd’s crossing the floor is nothing more than a smelly red herring and that you’re all playing the long game to allow the crypto-fascists to finagle their way into supreme power. I thought so too, at first. I mean, if you’re going to break up with someone, you don’t both appear in public to announce it. Smells strongly of rat. No, you do it privately, where you can throw things and call each other terrible names before going on a life-threatening bender and sleeping with inappropriate people. Maybe that’s just me.

But then I heard other people saying it was a genuine fall-out over negotiations for positions in Mr Machiavelli’s government of national what-what. You tossed all your revolutionary toys when you didn’t get what you wanted, which meant Floyd also didn’t get what he wanted. Revenge was his for the taking. It’s a tale as old as the Bible, which neither of us have read.

But there’s another theory. Floyd left simply because he grew tired of the furrowed brows and quizzical expressions. You must have seen this WhatsApp message from him: “In contemplating my departure, one must engage with the intricate fabric of political praxis and the ontological ramifications of power structures within the EFF. My exit is not merely a defection but rather a dialectical response to the hegemonic entropy that has subsumed the party’s leadership apparatus.”

Nobody needs a friend who talks like that. I wouldn’t even let him into my house. It gets worse: “My withdrawal is a phenomenological act of resistance against the calcification of oligarchic tendencies within the party’s ideological superstructure, a departure underscored by an existential imperative to transcend the limitations imposed by the prevailing power matrix.”

Floyd obviously took more than one red pill. You’ve lost him forever, Julius. Time to move on.

Judging by your words on Monday, you certainly have. Speaking to your ground forces in Gauteng, you seemed like a different person. Sporting camouflage battledress, it was a return to your usual shouty self.

“The mourning period is over!” That was quick. Floyd hadn’t even had time to find an MK T-shirt that fits him. “If it’s a fight they want, they will get a fight”. I don’t know who “they” are. I suppose it doesn’t matter. The best way to get over a break-up is to go to war with an unseen enemy.