A Floydian Slip
Dear Julius,
I was sorry to hear about your break-up with Floyd. The collapse of a relationship is no laughing matter. Actually, that's not true. When my second marriage ended I lau...
An open letter to Julius Malema…
Dear Julius Malema, First Marshal of the Empire and Supreme Commander of the Underclass,
Congratulations on the epic piece of revolutionary theatre you put on over the weekend at FNB Stadium. Speakin...
The shutdown that wasn’t
I'm writing this on Sunday afternoon, the day before the big shutdown. It's quite exciting, not knowing how things will turn out. It's like Schrödinger's Revolution. Until Monday, it's both a massive ...
Of pigs, dogs and other human animals
Kenny Kunene, an ex-convict whose idea of a good time is to drape sushi over the bodies of naked women, called Julius Malema a “cockroach” and a “little frog”. That was a few months ago. Malema, whose...
Dear Julius Malema, Supreme Commander of the Economic Freedom Fighters…
Congratulations on your magnificent performance in the Cape Town City Hall last week. You and your fighters looked good in your well-pressed designer overalls. Unlike the DA, who came dressed as if th...
A parliament of berserkers
I watched a clip of EFF leader Julius Malema at the Pan-African Parliament raising a point of order in true South African fashion. “I'll kill you outside!” he shouted, pointing at a fellow honourable ...
RIP FW LMFAO
Now seems like a good a time as any to republish my February 2020 letter to FW de Klerk....
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Dear FW,
Congratulations on officially achieving the rank of Most Hated Man in South Africa....
Malema declares war on media
News that Julius Malema had banned certain media from attending EFF events reminded me of a letter I wrote to him a few months ago. I'm still waiting for a reply.
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Dear Comrade ...
A Letter to Kallie Kriel, Caucasian-in-Chief of AfriForum
Hello Oom Kallie. How is it going with Oom? Is it okay with Oom if I call Oom Oom? I believe it is a mark of respect in our culture, although if someone calls me Oom I want to punch him in the mouth. ...
Land of the free-for-all
If you look up land reform in South Africa in an atlas, you will see a picture of a Neanderthal armed with a wooden club dispersing a family of Brachiosauruses so that he might build a rudimentary sec...
An open letter to Julius “Seizure” Malema
Dear Comrade Julius Malema the First, Commander-in-Chief of the Economic Freedom Fighters, Hero of the Poor, Prince of Pedis, the People's Parliamentarian, Evader of Taxes and Creator of the Revolutio...
Juju and the wrong arm of the law
The Honourable Comrade Julius Malema has been appointed to the Judicial Services Commission. This is not a drill. Women and children first.
When I heard the news, I went into a spin, began drinking h...