Howzit Fiks,

I reckon I can dispense with formality ‘coz you been hanging with rappers and threatening our soccer team with, like, death. That’s cool. I’m down with that kind of thing.

So I read in the paper that you want to host some games. Commonwealth and Olympic, yes? I like that about you. A big man with a big vision. But as you put it in the elegant language of international diplomacy, “The biggest fish to catch is the 2024 Olympics.”

Last year, the government said the cost to host an Olympics would be too high. A few days ago, you said President Jacob Zuma had indicated South Africa was ready to host the Games. The counter-revolutionary press called this “a major shift in policy”. Later, when they were drunk at the bar, they called it, “yet another ridiculous remark from someone who has all the leadership skills of a blind sheep”.

The idea of South Africa hosting the 2024 Olympics seems like a dream. I can’t even imagine still being alive in 2024, but I suppose that depends on which roving outlaw biker gang will take me in and provide me with food and fuel in return for services rendered.

Can you believe that Rio will host the Olympics in 2016? After the Soccer World Cup, the only things left standing will be two Cracolândia heroin whores and a mulatto dog that can sing in broken Portuguese.

And how about Tokyo hosting the 2020 Games? Can we look forward to dolphin-stabbing events? Radiation relays? The country that eats a fin whale in the fastest time wins gold?

I agree with you, comrade minister. We are ready. Durban is ready. I have given this some thought and come to the conclusion that Albert Park should be the nerve centre of the 2024 Olympics. Of course, we cannot call it Albert Park because the colonialists named it after Queen Albert, the bandit transvestite who did some mad stuff in Bombay and it might offend countries who consider the name Albert to be sacred. Obviously I am not referring to those nations whose understanding of Prince Albert is a ring-style piercing that extends along the underside of the glans from the urethral opening to where the glans meets the shaft of the penis.

We need to rename Albert Park before you make your pitch to the Olympic committee. I suggest we call it Whoonga Park. It certainly sounds more African than Albert.

What with it being held in Durban and all, here are some unique events you may want to consider introducing.

The individual medley. The athlete must source a gram of whoonga, smoke it and correctly estimate the percentage of crystal meth, heroin and rat poison.

Archery. Contestants fire arrows at moving car guards.

Tendering. The rules of this event are confidential.

Fencing. Teams must buy stolen goods and sell them off for the biggest profit in a limited period of time.

Surfing. Contestants paddle out at North Beach and try to get as many waves as possible before being harassed, intimidated or threatened with arrest by a lifesaver on a ski.

Roaching. Teams have one hour to come up with the biggest cockroach.

Prosecuting. Teams must find a way to put Shauwn Mpisane behind bars.