Dear ANC Cadre Deployment Committee,

I can understand you might be reluctant to hire another white man, but let me assure you, I am no André de Ruyter. For a start, I am not as good-looking as he is. History has taught us that handsome men cannot be trusted. Also, I am not Afrikaans. English-speaking people are known for their ability to hunt with the fishes and swim with the hounds.

André’s problem is that he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. For that salary, I’d be happy to never speak to anyone ever again. You can cut out my tongue for all I care. He also had trouble turning a blind eye. You won’t get that with me. I’ll come to work with a white stick and a guide dog if that helps get the message across.

Your pet poodle, Fikile Mbalula, said André was a right-winger because he made fun of cabinet ministers who followed the doctrines of Marx and Lenin. I’m the other way inclined. I think Castro was a snowflake and Stalin a woke libtard. I’m so far left that I won’t even turn right in my car.

André spoke of crime syndicates operating at Eskom. I’m okay with that. I was in a cartel once. Okay, it was more of a club. And I was 12. But I had the rank of vice-captain and the other members listened when I spoke. Well, they would have if Greg’s mother hadn’t kept distracting them with her massive bosoms.

Eskom is the poster company for the Radical Economic Transformation movement and, with R1-billion a month being diverted into ANC and other coffers, they’ve done a damn fine job of redistributing wealth. These days, however, a billion barely feeds a family of 12. With me at the helm, I’ll be aiming for R2-billion.

There’s something I don’t understand. André kept his mouth shut for three years and then suddenly couldn’t stop blabbing. I think I know what happened. Annika Larsen is hot. You’d be a fool to deny that. A lot of men would say anything just to keep her in the room. I’m surprised André didn’t claim to be Elon Musk’s real father or admit to killing JFK.

I am aware you have temporarily appointed Calib Cassim as interim CEO. This was a mistake. The man is an accountant. He doesn’t know his watts from his volts and wouldn’t recognise an amp if it smacked him in the face.

As the company’s chief financial officer, he was in charge of the money. Eskom is R423-billion in debt. I once owed someone R500 and he eventually threatened to kidnap my dog and burn my house down unless I paid him back. Since then, I don’t allow debts to accumulate. With me at the helm, the sheet will be clean within a week. I might not know how to make an omelette but I can cook books.

Eskom’s spokesperson said last week that Cassim “has nothing to say at this point and will not be doing any interviews for a while”. Sounds like a hostage situation, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Staff need to know that using language as a means of communication will no longer be tolerated.

Someone said the other day that we had reached Stage 7 or maybe even 8. That’s nothing. When I am in charge, I will crank things up to entirely new levels. And if the whining still doesn’t stop, I’ll order the saboteurs to work overtime and take it to Stage 20. That means no power for 24 hours a day and homes that still show signs of light will be visited by my soldiers in order to collect “taxes” on generators, solar panels, paraffin lamps, candles and so on. On a sliding scale, obviously. I’m not a complete monster.

I understand this job requires the ability to “optimise synergies”. I don’t know what this means because I only have a matric, but I assume it has something to do with allowing certain politicians access to the good stuff. “I am not eating, I am optimising synergies.” Has a ring to it.

Your frontman, Pravin Gordhan, said last week part of the problem was that André “swanned about the world looking at renewables” instead of presumably taking off his shirt and whipping the turbines to within an inch of their lives. I expect this is a euphemism, though. I went to a beach in the south of France when I was younger and also looked at the renewables. It was hard not to.

Pravin said André’s comments may make it difficult to attract the calibre of person needed to replace him on a permanent basis. Yes, talk of mafia hitmen, acts of treason, bugging devices and assassination attempts could scare some people off. Fortunately, I am a team player. When you are on the right side, you needn’t fear anything. When it comes to boats, there’ll be no rocking from me.

If I don’t get this job, I expect Cyril will want me in his new cabinet.

Omerta, comrade.

PS. I will eWallet you my R20 ANC membership fee to make me a legit cadre.