Application for the post of Eskom CEO

Dear ANC Cadre Deployment Committee,

I can understand you might be reluctant to hire another white man, but let me assure you, I am no André de Ruyter. For a start, I am not as good-looking as he is. History has taught us that handsome men cannot be trusted. Also, I am not Afrikaans. English-speaking people are known for their ability to hunt with the fishes and swim with the hounds.

André’s problem is that he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. For that salary, I’d be happy to never speak to anyone ever again. You can cut out my tongue for all I care. He also had trouble turning a blind eye. You won’t get that with me. I’ll come to work with a white stick and a guide dog if that helps get the message across.

Your pet poodle, Fikile Mbalula, said André was a right-winger because he made fun of cabinet ministers who followed the doctrines of Marx and Lenin. I’m the other way inclined. I think Castro was a snowflake and Stalin a woke libtard. I’m so far left that I won’t even turn right in my car.

André spoke of crime syndicates operating at Eskom. I’m okay with that. I was in a cartel once. Okay, it was more of a club. And I was 12. But I had the rank of vice-captain and the other members listened when I spoke. Well, they would have if Greg’s mother hadn’t kept distracting them with her massive bosoms.

Eskom is the poster company for the Radical Economic Transformation movement and, with R1-billion a month being diverted into ANC and other coffers, they’ve done a damn fine job of redistributing wealth. These days, however, a billion barely feeds a family of 12. With me at the helm, I’ll be aiming for R2-billion.

There’s something I don’t understand. André kept his mouth shut for three years and then suddenly couldn’t stop blabbing. I think I know what happened. Annika Larsen is hot. You’d be a fool to deny that. A lot of men would say anything just to keep her in the room. I’m surprised André didn’t claim to be Elon Musk’s real father or admit to killing JFK.

I am aware you have temporarily appointed Calib Cassim as interim CEO. This was a mistake. The man is an accountant. He doesn’t know his watts from his volts and wouldn’t recognise an amp if it smacked him in the face.

As the company’s chief financial officer, he was in charge of the money. Eskom is R423-billion in debt. I once owed someone R500 and he eventually threatened to kidnap my dog and burn my house down unless I paid him back. Since then, I don’t allow debts to accumulate. With me at the helm, the sheet will be clean within a week. I might not know how to make an omelette but I can cook books.

Eskom’s spokesperson said last week that Cassim “has nothing to say at this point and will not be doing any interviews for a while”. Sounds like a hostage situation, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Staff need to know that using language as a means of communication will no longer be tolerated.

Someone said the other day that we had reached Stage 7 or maybe even 8. That’s nothing. When I am in charge, I will crank things up to entirely new levels. And if the whining still doesn’t stop, I’ll order the saboteurs to work overtime and take it to Stage 20. That means no power for 24 hours a day and homes that still show signs of light will be visited by my soldiers in order to collect “taxes” on generators, solar panels, paraffin lamps, candles and so on. On a sliding scale, obviously. I’m not a complete monster.

I understand this job requires the ability to “optimise synergies”. I don’t know what this means because I only have a matric, but I assume it has something to do with allowing certain politicians access to the good stuff. “I am not eating, I am optimising synergies.” Has a ring to it.

Your frontman, Pravin Gordhan, said last week part of the problem was that André “swanned about the world looking at renewables” instead of presumably taking off his shirt and whipping the turbines to within an inch of their lives. I expect this is a euphemism, though. I went to a beach in the south of France when I was younger and also looked at the renewables. It was hard not to.

Pravin said André’s comments may make it difficult to attract the calibre of person needed to replace him on a permanent basis. Yes, talk of mafia hitmen, acts of treason, bugging devices and assassination attempts could scare some people off. Fortunately, I am a team player. When you are on the right side, you needn’t fear anything. When it comes to boats, there’ll be no rocking from me.

If I don’t get this job, I expect Cyril will want me in his new cabinet.

Omerta, comrade.

PS. I will eWallet you my R20 ANC membership fee to make me a legit cadre.

23 thoughts on “Application for the post of Eskom CEO

  1. Colleen says:

    Please can you consider publishing a book? of short satire stories?

    1. Ben Trovato says:

      Hi Colleen. I’ve, er, already written 13 books. You can even buy some of them as e-books right here on my site:

  2. Carole Edmunds says:

    Hope you get the job, Ben. Please call me for a reference. Good luck!

  3. Malinda nel says:

    Wonderful. Wow! I’d laugh the whole day if it wasn’t so sad!

  4. Steven Burnett says:

    Ben, dude you realise the job is in Megawatt park?
    That’s like near fourways mall or montecasino or something like that. I’m not from joburg, but have been there enough to know it’s a moer of a long way to the beach and a surf.

    But I’m a solutions guy, not here to only moan about problems. Spin them you’ll reenergise the rosatom nuclear deal pronto. That puts Thyspunt back on the table and you’ll need to spend a lot of time there. You’ll know the surf is pretty lekker at JBay/Seals.

    The locals might lynch you in the backline so you’ll need security detail who can swim, or one of those frigates they just sent up for the war games can be reassigned.

    1. Ben Trovato says:

      Bruce Gold is my security. I’ll be fine…

  5. Nev says:

    This is stage infinity Amandla!

  6. Susan McCready says:

    very Funny thanks! And it was vrek-funny in the interview when the police sergeants mistook cyanide for sinus trouble 🙂

  7. TONY CLARKE says:

    Frikkin awesome logic Ben, Maybe we can hire Lori Lightfoot who just got “set free” from Chicago. She would certainly keep the ANC going out in style. F**Ed up there, so couldn’t do much worse at Eishjekom! 😎😅😅

  8. Mohsin says:

    Ben, when I looked at my wife as a source of renewables, that’s when problems out of nowhere arose.

  9. Cecile says:

    Just take your own coffee cup

    1. Anneliese says:

      As long as its not personalised!

  10. Blairboertjie says:

    Jirre Bennie, nou laat jy my lag!

  11. Charlotte says:

    What, no mention of David Mabusa, the godfather of Mpumalanga?

  12. Jane says:

    Dunno why Andre de Ruyter is taking all the heat – did any of the previous 12 or 13 CEO’s make right – or just take the golden handshakes and no one asked any uncomfortable questions about their tenure. Love the car and the cooking books bit. Presume you would want to be in Cyril’s ‘drinks cabinet’, right?

  13. Sandy says:

    Love it, my daily dose of rolling on the floor laughing, it’s just getting a bit harder to get off the floor!!!

  14. G hau says:

    Brilliantly put 😂😂😂

  15. Sherry Lee Walklett says:

    Bloody brilliant!

  16. Wanda Stolzenberg says:

    Excellent read !!

  17. Geoff says:

    Howsit Benjamin. Here’s a tip for your new tenure as CEO of Eskom-those fancy knee pads priced at R 85 000.00 ex VAT (not sure if that price was for each or for the pair)- why don’t you negotiate a cut to R42 500.00 ex VAT?! I know that will leave the seller’s margin a little tight but hey you’re a nice guy with good negotiating skills and you can propose it on the basis that everyone wins-Eskom makes a huge saving on just one item and the supplier still makes a small margin! You will be hailed as a good looking and astute businessman who saved both parties for posterity not to mention relieving the Poor and the Taxpayers of future Tariff increases from Eskom for a few more weeks!! Brilliant hey? You and I should go into business together!

    1. Ben Trovato says:

      You’re going to jail, Geoff

  18. Lwazi Dlamini says:

    Another masterpiece!!!!

    1. Ben Trovato says:

      Thanks Lwazi. I’ll use you as a reference…

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