Job Application to the Evangelical Seminary of Southern Africa
Dear Father,
I have received word through the Lord’s grapevine that you are looking for men and women to be trained as missionaries and sent into darkest Africa to convert the godless heathens to C...
Dear President Ramaphosa…
Congratulations on your successful mission to Europe. You have shown the world that South Africa is even able to unite countries that are at war with one another. Both Russia and Ukraine now agree tha...
Don’t underestimate the power of illiteracy
I was shocked to discover that 19% of our Grade 4s are able to read. Who are these little suck-ups? These goody-goody nerds think they're better than the 81% who can't make head or tail of the most ba...
ANC runs Durban – into the ground
“Since 1994 the ANC has created close to eight million new jobs.” Who said this?
A pathological liar.
A man recently emerged from a long coma.
Cyril Ramaphosa.
All of the above.
Some ...
Good Charlotte’s bad advice on a sweltering tropical day
It's hard enough caring about South Africa when you're actually there. Try doing it from Central America. I'm sitting in a rustic beach bar on the Pacific coast about seven metres from the equator. Th...
Panyaza’s Green Mambas – a matter of larf or death
There's a Monty Python sketch revolving around a joke that's so funny that anyone who reads or hears it promptly dies from laughter. The writer jots the joke down on a piece of paper, only to die laug...
Taking orders from idiots
This is the 29th consecutive year since the advent of democracy in which I have neither murdered nor sexually assaulted anyone. I have refrained from hijacking cars and taking hostages. I have paid my...
Bailing for warmer, brighter climes
Looks like I escaped from the heart of darkness just in time. Power cuts are now affecting the production of frozen French fries and it won’t be long before they run out. A country without slap chips ...
Sharks patrol these waters
By the time you read this, I will be gone. No, not by my own hand. I'm too much of a coward for that. Although I did come close to death over the weekend. Surfing is among the few sports where one can...
Stop eating junk food, you gross domestic product
Be careful, people. There are killers on the loose. And I don't mean the deployed cadres who enforce the ANC's cadre deployment policy, butchering the hopes and dreams of so many. I'm talking about th...
Fake it till you make it
One of the things about living in South Africa is that it inures you to shock. When Cyril says he's shocked, you can be sure he is being sarcastic.
I miss the days when I’d hear about some or other o...
The shutdown that wasn’t
I'm writing this on Sunday afternoon, the day before the big shutdown. It's quite exciting, not knowing how things will turn out. It's like Schrödinger's Revolution. Until Monday, it's both a massive ...