It’s Blood River All Over Again
Today, 174 years ago, the Voortrekkers defeated a Zulu army at the Battle of Blood River. And today, the Boers and the Zulus will join forces to defeat me at the Battle of Gateway Shopping Centre.
Th...
An Open Letter to Santa Claus
Dear Santa,
When I told my friend Ted I was writing to you, he asked whether I had recently suffered a severe blow to the head. He said any idiot knows that Santa doesn't exist. This, from a man who ...
An Open Letter to Angie Motshekga, Minister of Basic Education
Dear Comrade Angie,
Well done on getting the league to nominate Jacob Zuma for a second term as coxswain of the national gravy boat. Without him leading from the stern for another five years, the goo...
What To Do With The Feral Ingrates
School holidays should be abolished.
Our creaking infrastructure and shattered nerves can no longer withstand the blitzkrieg of semi-educated savages at the end of every year.
There should be new ...
Kissing Cousins And Strip Mines
I was going to write about politics this week but the moment I typed the word “Mangaung”, I projectile vomited. I tried again and again and each time I lost more and more of my lunch.
The sound I ma...
The Whine Route
I stand in solidarity with the striking grape-pickers of the Western Cape because I, too, was once a picker of grapes. Not here, of course. Our wine farms would never hire white pickers, especially no...
An Open Letter To President Barack Obama
Dear Comrade Barack,
Yeehaa! What a week! I can hardly see, my eyes are so red and swollen from celebrating. I never imagined that so many of your people could shed their conservative carapaces and b...
The Vervet Underground
I have seen more monkeys in the last three weeks than I have people. You're probably thinking how lucky I am to be holidaying in some or other pristine wilderness far from the madding crowd. Well, I'm...
JuJu O’Lantern Will Scare The Bejeezus Out Of Anyone
It is Halloween this Wednesday and I, for one, cannot wait to put on my succubus suit and go creeping around the neighbourhood late at night banging on doors, shouting: “Trick or treat!”
The real sp...
Crime Me A River
I went to a braai on Friday night. It was either that or give heroin a try. The house was full of normal people with normal faces and normal jobs. I should have gone with the heroin.
Braais aren't wh...
Misanthropy Is The Life For Me
Wednesday started well enough with a near-drowning experience at North Beach and a few mugs of electric tea with the legendary lawyer Psycho Syd Taverner, followed by an unexpected nap and a frighteni...
Sea Point Promenade Is Hell On Wheels
Last weekend I was beginning to think there was nothing worth living for when it suddenly occurred to me that Monday marked the start of Transport Month.
Oh, what joy! Hurrah! Hurrah!
A chorus of ...