An Open Letter to Julius Malema – Washer-in-Chief of Filthy Lucre
Dear Julius,
What's happening, old boy? Seems as if you have landed yourself in another frightful mess. The hounds of hell are hot on your heels and you don't appear to be in any shape to outrun them...
Anyone For Chemo And A Nice Cup Of Tea?
I lost my mother a few days ago. Not in the way that you might lose your car keys. Keys can be replaced. Mother's hardly ever.
It all started several months ago when she developed a cough. Our family...
Dr Piazza’s School Of Conflict Resolution
I like Facebook. It's full of cuddly animals, happy families and squirrelly sociopaths. Amidst this foul repository of inexcusable spelling errors and grammatical atrocities committed by people who re...
An Open Letter to King Goodwill Zwelithini
Howzit Comrade King,
I hope you don't mind the informality. I am the king of the white people and feel that, as equals, it wouldn't be right for me to come across all fawning and obsequious. That's t...
Application For The Post Of CEO Of Armscor
Dear Sir/Madam,
I was alarmed to learn that Armscor does not currently have anyone in charge. With no pilots to fly the Gripens and our submarines up on bricks, our flanks are vulnerable to warmonger...
An Open Letter to Mitt Romney – Republican Party nominee for President of the USA
My darling Mitt,
LOL! Just kidding. I'm straight.
But I do think you're awesome. Your hair is awesome. Your teeth are awesome. Even your name is awesome. Mitt.
Being named after a baseball glove i...
Tapping My Inner Woman
There's a lot of pretending going on in this country right now. Municipalities are buckling under the weight of freeloading lickspittles pretending to be interested in their jobs. The government is be...
Spanking The Olympic Monkey
“The South African nation is today filled with pride and joy,” decreed presidential spokesman Mac Maharaj on Tuesday.
This was astounding news. The nation is usually filled with anger, resentment, r...
A Doomed Attempt To Narco-Load On Mandela Day
On Mandela Day, the entrance to Addington Hospital resembled the entrance to the municipal market in Maputo when a fresh shipment of cocaine arrives.
The doorway was jammed with hawkers, hustlers, m...
Welcome To Club Dead
From: bentrovato@mweb.co.za
To: hatemyavuz@superonline.com
Subject: For the attention of Mr Hatem Yavuz of the Hatem Yavuz Group, purveyors of fine pelts and furs
Dear Mr Yavuz,
I understa...
If Anyone Can, The Anglican
Dear Archbishop of Canterbury,
My friend Ted and I spent last weekend praying that the Church of England would not allow women to be ordained as bishops. We already live with women who tell us that ...
Dear Tom Cruise (A Flashback)
“I’m going to eat the cord and the placenta right there.”
Who said this? Was it Jeffrey Dahmer? Hannibal Lecter? No, it was you, Tom. In an interview a few months before the birth of your first biolo...