The Six Stages of Grief
Brenda has left me. Not alone, of course. She is far too vindictive for that. She has left me with our monstrosity of a son and a skanky cat called Boris.
She moved out when I went to the shops for a...
Piston Broke – The Story Of My Life
Many of you have been sending cards, flowers and even boxes of African spitting scorpions in the wake of the brutal murder of my beloved Hyundai.
Thank you for your condolences, but that's enough no...
Trovato In National Honours Outrage
This is the fourth consecutive year in which I have neither killed nor raped anyone. I have refrained from hijacking cars and taking hostages. I have paid my taxes and some of my traffic fines. I cont...
A Vicious Cycle
I never intended to enter the Cape Argus Pick ’n Pay Cycle Tour, but by Friday I was so sick and tired of these people taking over our restaurants and filling our brothels that I decided to te...
Meh-li Had A Little Fat-Free Lamb
I am struggling to build up a good head of outrage this week. Everything I read seems unpleasantly familiar.
Cops are crooked, tenders are rigged, men are shot, women are raped, the capitalists are ...
An Open Letter to the Independent Communications Authority of SA
Dear Sir or Madam,
Forgive me for not knowing whether you are a sir or a madam. For all I know, you are both. If you are indeed a hermaphrodite or even a transsexual who dreams of one day undergoing ...
My brief career as an Agony Aunt
I had forgotten that I was an Agony Aunt called Sis Beatrice several years ago. Here are some of the letters I responded to.
..................................
Dear Sis Beatrice,
My neighbour...
Application for the position of CEO of the SA Dental Association
Dear Sir,
I presume you are a ‘sir’ because women don’t feature very prominently in dentistry. Please don’t misunderstand me. Women make fabulous dental hygienists, assistants and receptionists, but ...
An Open Letter to “Reverend” Kemo Waters
Dear Comrade Kemo,
The moment I heard about your message on Twitter suggesting that white people ought to be snuffed out like the vermin they are, I thought it important to write to you without delay...
An Open Letter to Julius Malema
Dear Juju,
Like a true pioneer, albeit one who has been dipping into the emergency supply of moonflowers, you continue to burn your bridges as you forge blindly ahead. I'm not sure if hitching your w...
Shame on the sheeple
With the podium awash in cake and catharsis, deputy president Kgalema Motlanthe raised his glass and proposed a toast. “The leaders will now enjoy the champagne, and of course they do so on your behal...