Good Charlotte’s bad advice on a sweltering tropical day
It's hard enough caring about South Africa when you're actually there. Try doing it from Central America. I'm sitting in a rustic beach bar on the Pacific coast about seven metres from the equator. Th...
Panyaza’s Green Mambas – a matter of larf or death
There's a Monty Python sketch revolving around a joke that's so funny that anyone who reads or hears it promptly dies from laughter. The writer jots the joke down on a piece of paper, only to die laug...
Taking orders from idiots
This is the 29th consecutive year since the advent of democracy in which I have neither murdered nor sexually assaulted anyone. I have refrained from hijacking cars and taking hostages. I have paid my...
Bailing for warmer, brighter climes
Looks like I escaped from the heart of darkness just in time. Power cuts are now affecting the production of frozen French fries and it won’t be long before they run out. A country without slap chips ...
Sharks patrol these waters
By the time you read this, I will be gone. No, not by my own hand. I'm too much of a coward for that. Although I did come close to death over the weekend. Surfing is among the few sports where one can...
Stop eating junk food, you gross domestic product
Be careful, people. There are killers on the loose. And I don't mean the deployed cadres who enforce the ANC's cadre deployment policy, butchering the hopes and dreams of so many. I'm talking about th...
Fake it till you make it
One of the things about living in South Africa is that it inures you to shock. When Cyril says he's shocked, you can be sure he is being sarcastic.
I miss the days when I’d hear about some or other o...
The shutdown that wasn’t
I'm writing this on Sunday afternoon, the day before the big shutdown. It's quite exciting, not knowing how things will turn out. It's like Schrödinger's Revolution. Until Monday, it's both a massive ...
An open letter to Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni
Dear President Museveni, Supreme Ruler of the Pearl of Africa, Teacher of Lessons, Father of Children, Guardian of Public Morality and Confirmed Heterosexual for Life.
Congratulations on signing th...
Judges and journos are guarding the gates
In some countries, the police are referred to as the “thin blue line” between civilisation and anarchy. Obviously, that doesn't apply in South Africa. For a start, given the massive girth and low IQ o...
Of pigs, dogs and other human animals
Kenny Kunene, an ex-convict whose idea of a good time is to drape sushi over the bodies of naked women, called Julius Malema a “cockroach” and a “little frog”. That was a few months ago. Malema, whose...
Application for the post of Eskom CEO
Dear ANC Cadre Deployment Committee,
I can understand you might be reluctant to hire another white man, but let me assure you, I am no André de Ruyter. For a start, I am not as good-looking as he is....