The Secret Diary of Carl Niehaus (aged 63¼)
December 25, 2022
Happy birthday, Jesus! But more importantly, happy birthday, me! Today I am … wait, let me go fetch my calculator. Born in 1959 and today is 2022 so that makes me, um, 3981 years ol...
Kicking against the Brics
Since today falls in the middle of the Bric's meeting, it seemed right to send each leader a personalised message.
President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva: Bem-vindo! You will feel right at home here bec...
Of cockwombles, taxi drivers and Tinky-the-Pooh
Those taxi drivers in Cape Town, man. I've never seen such selfish behaviour. They know that we white people require immediate and unobstructed access to the airport at all times of day and night. Wha...
An open letter to Julius Malema…
Dear Julius Malema, First Marshal of the Empire and Supreme Commander of the Underclass,
Congratulations on the epic piece of revolutionary theatre you put on over the weekend at FNB Stadium. Speakin...
101 uses for an old person
Did you hear about the experiment carried out by Nedbank? That got your attention. Doesn't sound right, does it? Banks shouldn't be experimenting on people. That's the government's job.
Here’s what h...
Watch out – here comes the Ciggie Squad
There was a full-page advert in one of the Sunday papers. In massive letters, the headline screamed: “STOP THE TOBACCO BILL.” My first thought was, sloppy grammar and even worse punctuation. Is Bill e...
SA motorists are a write-off
My suspicions were aroused when I read that South Africa was top of a list drawn up by an Australian company. These people have resented us since 1931 when we kicked the Wallabies' asses at Newlands i...
The fast and the furious, the fucked and the feckless
Eighteen months ago, the Gauteng High Court found the Administrative Adjudication of Road Traffic Offences Act (Aarto) unconstitutional and invalid, saying it should be scrapped.
Today, the Constitut...
Job Application to the Evangelical Seminary of Southern Africa
Dear Father,
I have received word through the Lord’s grapevine that you are looking for men and women to be trained as missionaries and sent into darkest Africa to convert the godless heathens to C...
Dear President Ramaphosa…
Congratulations on your successful mission to Europe. You have shown the world that South Africa is even able to unite countries that are at war with one another. Both Russia and Ukraine now agree tha...
Don’t underestimate the power of illiteracy
I was shocked to discover that 19% of our Grade 4s are able to read. Who are these little suck-ups? These goody-goody nerds think they're better than the 81% who can't make head or tail of the most ba...
ANC runs Durban – into the ground
“Since 1994 the ANC has created close to eight million new jobs.” Who said this?
A pathological liar.
A man recently emerged from a long coma.
Cyril Ramaphosa.
All of the above.
Some ...