Neither virgin nor active
I saw a magazine article this week suggesting now would be a good time to start getting my body “beach-ready”. Living as I do in Cape Town, there is only one way to survive this endless hellish winter...
Of the Rugby World Cup and other homoerotic tales
South Africans are among the heaviest drinkers in the world in terms of both body weight and quantities consumed. We’re not quite top of the log yet, but the Rugby World Cup is pushing us closer to Zi...
Dear Prince Mohammed bin Salman…
Congratulations on getting invited to join Brics, a grouping that was surely created with Saudi Arabia in mind. Your nation's impressive human rights record is second only to that of Cambodia during t...
The Secret Diary of Carl Niehaus (aged 63¼)
December 25, 2022
Happy birthday, Jesus! But more importantly, happy birthday, me! Today I am … wait, let me go fetch my calculator. Born in 1959 and today is 2022 so that makes me, um, 3981 years ol...
Kicking against the Brics
Since today falls in the middle of the Bric's meeting, it seemed right to send each leader a personalised message.
President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva: Bem-vindo! You will feel right at home here bec...
Of cockwombles, taxi drivers and Tinky-the-Pooh
Those taxi drivers in Cape Town, man. I've never seen such selfish behaviour. They know that we white people require immediate and unobstructed access to the airport at all times of day and night. Wha...
An open letter to Julius Malema…
Dear Julius Malema, First Marshal of the Empire and Supreme Commander of the Underclass,
Congratulations on the epic piece of revolutionary theatre you put on over the weekend at FNB Stadium. Speakin...
101 uses for an old person
Did you hear about the experiment carried out by Nedbank? That got your attention. Doesn't sound right, does it? Banks shouldn't be experimenting on people. That's the government's job.
Here’s what h...
Watch out – here comes the Ciggie Squad
There was a full-page advert in one of the Sunday papers. In massive letters, the headline screamed: “STOP THE TOBACCO BILL.” My first thought was, sloppy grammar and even worse punctuation. Is Bill e...
SA motorists are a write-off
My suspicions were aroused when I read that South Africa was top of a list drawn up by an Australian company. These people have resented us since 1931 when we kicked the Wallabies' asses at Newlands i...
The fast and the furious, the fucked and the feckless
Eighteen months ago, the Gauteng High Court found the Administrative Adjudication of Road Traffic Offences Act (Aarto) unconstitutional and invalid, saying it should be scrapped.
Today, the Constitut...