If superior beings on a distant planet had a listening device pointed at the Earth, all they’d pick up from South Africa is a dull whine. The sound of millions of people complaining, carping and criticising. The ANC this, the EFF that, the DA the other thing. The government stole my taxes. There are potholes in my road. A housebreaker cut my head off. On and on and on. It’s relentless and it has to stop.

When I am president, my first act will be to declare a national holiday and flood the country with free alcohol. SA Breweries will come to the party if they know what’s good for them. This will set the tone for my second and last act.

The following day, when the entire population is crippled with crushing hangovers, they are going to need some good news. I will announce that the police and army have been disbanded with immediate effect and all courtrooms turned over to the homeless.

The dismantling of the justice system and what laughingly passes for law enforcement will place everyone on an equal footing. Many of us wish we could become criminals because we see that crime in this country pays handsomely. Take the latest coal scandal. Trucks headed to Eskom are diverted so that some of the A-grade coal can be offloaded and privately sold on the export market. Skabengas then fill up the trucks with half-bricks, bits of rebar, smashed crockery and old socks. Eskom naturally doesn’t notice a thing and shovels it all into the burners, which cough violently and fall over. Between the mines and Eskom, there are dozens of people on the syndicate’s payroll. You can almost hear the blind eyes being turned.

Under the right circumstances, we’d all happily be one of the three wise monkeys. It’s being restricted to the seeing and hearing of evil that turns us into the whiny bitches we’ve become. We need to be part of the evil. The only thing that’s properly organised in this country is crime. We grew up being told by our parents, teachers and churches that breaking the law is wrong. They lied to us about other things, too. But let’s stick with this for now.

For many of us, it’s only the fear of retribution that stops us from becoming criminals. Incidentally, in the new dispensation, the word ‘criminal’ will be redundant. You can call yourself whatever you like. Privateer, booty hunter, nouveau liberationista. Get creative.

It’s only the threat of incarceration that keeps most of us from actively pursuing the felonious life and thus, ironically, consigns us to the shackles of poverty. I can’t risk going to jail due to the prospect of having my bottom involuntarily interfered with.

Yes, with no more laws or police, there is every chance that my bottom could be interfered with on an ad hoc basis while I am out doing my weekly shoplifting. But that’s a chance I am prepared to take. At least I can run away.

In my brave new South Africa, that insatiable dog capitalism will be well and truly neutered. There will be no material difference between the boss class and the slave class. The founding principle will be, “If you like it, take it”. This is not as easy as it sounds. To succeed, you will need training and a quick set of reflexes.

Children will still go to school, but the curriculum will change. There’s no point in learning rubbish like maths and history because conventional jobs won’t exist. Instead, kids will learn the basics of criminality. The little ones will start off with pickpocketing and progress to, say, mugging and, for the smarter ones, elementary embezzlement.

There will be institutions like Bain College for courses in corporate corruption, the Bell Pottinger Institute of Dark Arts and the Gupta University for an MSc (Master of State Capture) degree.

There will be other adjustments to ensure the playing fields are completely level. For instance, the system of inheritance will be scrapped. When you die, your property is put on the street and people can grab whatever they can. Obviously, there will be homicides, or, as I prefer to call it, population control.

Banks will continue to operate. Customers who can no longer tolerate the incompetence, queues and lack of interest can be put out of their misery by in-house snipers. Or, in keeping with the new ethos, you could even have a go at robbing the bank. Fortune favours the brave. This will be the motto on our new coat of arms.

Ours will be a truly consequence-free society. No more pretending. It’s the only way we all stand a fair chance of getting what we want. And, best of all, it will stop the goddamn whining once and for all.