The Honourable Comrade Julius Malema has been appointed to the Judicial Services Commission. This is not a drill. Women and children first.
When I heard the news, I went into a spin, began drinking heavily, lost it on the dismount, vomited on the cat and accidentally shredded my passport along with a pile of incriminating files.
The Teletubby-in-Chief in the bright red onesie and plastic hat is being allowed a say in who will become a judge. A terrifying prospect. Or is it? This is, after all, a man who has been in front of the equality court, the insolvency court and soon the criminal court. He is familiar with laws. He knows how to break them and, as a member of parliament, he is learning how to make them.
The ANC’s Mathole Motshekga was also appointed to the JSC. Motshekga was recalled as the ANC’s chief whip in parliament a year ago. At the time, his colleagues diplomatically described him as “less than effective”. The JSC consists of at least 23 members. I have been less than effective in meetings consisting of fewer than six people and nobody has noticed. Have a good rest, Mathole. You deserve it.
The JSC advises the government on matters relating to the judiciary and the administration of justice in South Africa.
“Point of order!”
“Yes, Mr Malema?”
“As a member of the JSC, I advise the NPA to drop all charges against me.”
It might just work. JSC meetings are, after all, presided over by Chief Justice Mogoeng Mogoeng, whose most recent communication with the judiciary was an advisory note strongly recommending that everyone from advocate up book their places on Noah’s Ark II. Attorneys to make their own arrangements.
In an act of sublime sublimity, Thandi Modise has also been appointed to the JSC. She threw Juju out of parliament the other day. She’s going to wish she were back in Angola training with Mkhonto we Sizwe.
Sitting around the giant slab of mahogany, perhaps even next to Juju, will be Hendrik Schmidt. There are people still in jail because of him. No, he’s not a police informant. Worse. He’s a lawyer. A prosecutor. An advocate. With a Masters in Philosophy. And, just to make Juju’s nightmare complete, he’s also the DA’s shadow minister of mining. There will be blood. Or, at the very least, raised voices over tea and cake.
To Juju’s left is the IFP’s Narend Singh, best known for owning a bus company and losing his job as an MEC through a leaked sex tape. I’m not sure what’s more shameful. I mean, really. Buses?
Then there’s Dumisane Ximbi, the Twelve Apostle’s Church in Christ’s main man in the Western Cape who was with the UDM but then skipped to the ANC. And then there is … oh god. I can’t. I can’t go on. I just can’t.
The chief whip of the Freedom Front Plus, Corné Mulder, described Julius Malema’s appointment to the JSC as “outrageous”. Yeah, well. Here’s the thing, Corné. You need to find another word. Outrageous is taken. It’s what normal people use to describe apartheid.
Perhaps, if you sustained a head injury and looked at it through half-closed eyes, with your head turned to one side like a dog listening for an ultrasonic signal, you could see the new JSC as representing the mythical Rainbow Nation with the best of what we have to offer.
Or you could see them as a punchy, power-drunk mishmash of skabengas, god-botherers, narcissists and political truffle hunters afflicted with complexes ranging from Messianic to paranoiac. The real joke, though, is that they report directly to the president, a large man capable of defying the laws of physics by slipping through the smallest of legal loopholes.