Politicians playing presidential Tinder

Party leaders have begun shyly trying on their sexiest outfits and practising their best pick-up lines as they prepare to woo us. If they hope to become the president of South Africa next year, they’re going to want to make a good impression. Let’s take a look at their dating profiles:

Cyril Ramaphosa: Dumela! I’m Cyril and I enjoy collecting buffaloes and US dollars. If you make me president for another five years, I promise you there will be plenty more promises. Enough for everyone.

John Steenhuisen: Howzit! My friends call me John but you can call me Jack. I am only 47 but from what the ladies tell me, you won’t be disappointed! Even though I never went to university, I know things. I bet you didn’t know that the brain is constantly eating itself. Mine is making a real meal of it ha ha. Speaking of which, I keep in shape by eating pizza and chocolate. Nobody wants a skinny president.

Julius Malema: My name is Right Honourable Excellency Julius Sello Malema the First, Commander in Chief of the Economic Freedom Fighters, Ruler of all the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of Colonialism in Africa in General and South Africa in Particular. I like walks in the rain if someone is holding an umbrella for me and I am only going as far as my Range Rover. As your president, I will give everyone a gold mine and make the white people work underground. Vote for me and I might let you live.

Herman Mashaba: My name is Herman and I am 64. I am rich and powerful and even though I am bald, also very virile. Instead of joining the armed struggle, I started a hair product company, which is the same thing but more dangerous. A woman will kill you if you mess up her hair. I love playing the piano and being elected. I don’t like foreigners unless they are eligible to vote. Big fan of the death penalty.

Pieter Groenewald: Hallo. My naam/name is Pieter. My hobbies are making braais, stopping land reform and writing to my pal, Benjamin Netanyahu. Enjoy weekends away in Orania with my boerboel, Gert. People think I am anti-black but that is not true. I am pro-white. When I am president, I will bring back the best bits of apartheid. Like banning the ANC and censoring the liberal media.

Velenkosini Hlabisa: Good day. My name is Velenkosini and I do not really know how I became involved in politics. I am nothing like Gatsha. I enjoy dressing smartly and being nice to people. I was a councillor in northern KZN for 24 years. I can’t believe I am still alive. Maybe because I am quiet. Please vote for me. Or not. It’s up to you. I really don’t mind. I just want everyone to be happy.

Roger Jardine: Hi! My name’s William but everyone calls me Roger. I’m not really a politician. Yet. I’m quite shy and not many people know who I am. Well, they do now, thanks to the Sunday Times putting me on their front page. I am 58 and keep myself fit by making money. I did some anti-apartheid stuff when I was young and didn’t really like white people. I changed my mind when they started paying me R20m a year, lol. I will be your smartest, most honest president.

Patricia de Lille: Aweh, comrades! If it’s a president you’re after, look no further! I am your guy. Even though I am 72, I look and feel 24. I enjoy shouting at people and showing off my bodyguards. I made a career out of vloeking the ANC. Then Cyril made me a cabinet minister. It’s almost like he was trying to shut me up. I used to party-hop when I was younger but those days are over. My bum likes being in the butter! Maybe don’t make me president. Too much hard work, brah.

Bantu Holomisa: My name is Bantubonke and I am 68 and have no hobbies. I can’t tell the difference between fake reports and reality, but I do know my way around the Transkei. Being called General and clinging to power makes me happy. Proudly expelled from the ANC. With two seats in Parliament and almost 80,000 votes in 2019, I am looking forward to becoming president-for-life in 2024.

Vuyolwethu Zungula: Greetings. You can call me Vuyo even though you have probably never heard of me. I enjoy life a lot more now that a man who hates being called “Jimmy” has left the party. Gosh, he really could hog the limelight! Now it’s my turn to take a stand. I am against all the things other leaders are against. I love my family and the Mercedes-Benz C220d given to me by my church.

Kenneth Meshoe: My name is Kenneth and I love God, Israel and the death penalty. Against mandatory Covid vaccines and strictly pro-choice, except when it comes to abortions. And alcohol. And sex education. Oh, and rock music. I have been the leader of my party for 30 years and, as a committed democrat, I hope to lead SA for another 30.

Ganief Hendricks: Salam alaykum. I am 74 but still have most of my hair. Not crazy about Zionists and gays. America is probably listening. Will share more when we meet at election time. Free Palestine. Inshallah.

Gayton McKenzie: I’m Gayton and turning 50 next year. You’re all welcome to my massive party. There will be elephants and leopards. And that’s just the first course! I know how to rob banks but politics pays better. Successful motivational speaker, especially when using threats of violence. Make me president. Or else.

Mosiuoa Lekota: Please don’t vote for me. Just leave me alone.

8 thoughts on “Politicians playing presidential Tinder

  1. Me says:

    Your tendency lately to liken Netanyahu and apartheid is starting to piss me off.

    1. Ben Trovato says:

      Oh dear. Did I upset you? I do apologise. How about you go fuck yourself. That should help.

  2. Silver Surfer says:

    And there he is, like a cat on its tenth life, our very own Msholozi! Trademark grin and ready to advance the nation once more

  3. Lolonga Tali says:

    I laughed till my eyes were wet. Gayton Mckenzie and Mosiuoa Lekota take the cake for me. How could I forget Hlabisa, Zungula and Piet Groenwald. Lol.

    1. Ben Trovato says:

      Thanks, Lolonga. Glad you enjoyed it.

  4. geoff says:

    Gosh! I had never heard of any of these peoples except Mosiuoa Lekota who used to be a Statistician. So many to choose from! Pity Sir de Villiers Graaf and Ian Douglas Smith aren’t standing-are they still alive? Hey Ben-why don’t YOU stand for President? You could change your name slightly to BENT ROVATO-has a nice ring to it and would be more appropriate in Die Nuwe Suid Afrika!

    1. Ben Trovato says:

      Want to be my running mate, Geoff?

      1. geoff says:

        Tempting Ben but we must plan our strategy and images first. Maybe considering the Russian love-in so cherished by the ANC, a Slavic version of your name might be preferable. President Bentrov Ato?

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