Party leaders have begun shyly trying on their sexiest outfits and practising their best pick-up lines as they prepare to woo us. If they hope to become the president of South Africa next year, they’re going to want to make a good impression. Let’s take a look at their dating profiles:

Cyril Ramaphosa: Dumela! I’m Cyril and I enjoy collecting buffaloes and US dollars. If you make me president for another five years, I promise you there will be plenty more promises. Enough for everyone.

John Steenhuisen: Howzit! My friends call me John but you can call me Jack. I am only 47 but from what the ladies tell me, you won’t be disappointed! Even though I never went to university, I know things. I bet you didn’t know that the brain is constantly eating itself. Mine is making a real meal of it ha ha. Speaking of which, I keep in shape by eating pizza and chocolate. Nobody wants a skinny president.

Julius Malema: My name is Right Honourable Excellency Julius Sello Malema the First, Commander in Chief of the Economic Freedom Fighters, Ruler of all the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of Colonialism in Africa in General and South Africa in Particular. I like walks in the rain if someone is holding an umbrella for me and I am only going as far as my Range Rover. As your president, I will give everyone a gold mine and make the white people work underground. Vote for me and I might let you live.

Herman Mashaba: My name is Herman and I am 64. I am rich and powerful and even though I am bald, also very virile. Instead of joining the armed struggle, I started a hair product company, which is the same thing but more dangerous. A woman will kill you if you mess up her hair. I love playing the piano and being elected. I don’t like foreigners unless they are eligible to vote. Big fan of the death penalty.

Pieter Groenewald: Hallo. My naam/name is Pieter. My hobbies are making braais, stopping land reform and writing to my pal, Benjamin Netanyahu. Enjoy weekends away in Orania with my boerboel, Gert. People think I am anti-black but that is not true. I am pro-white. When I am president, I will bring back the best bits of apartheid. Like banning the ANC and censoring the liberal media.

Velenkosini Hlabisa: Good day. My name is Velenkosini and I do not really know how I became involved in politics. I am nothing like Gatsha. I enjoy dressing smartly and being nice to people. I was a councillor in northern KZN for 24 years. I can’t believe I am still alive. Maybe because I am quiet. Please vote for me. Or not. It’s up to you. I really don’t mind. I just want everyone to be happy.

Roger Jardine: Hi! My name’s William but everyone calls me Roger. I’m not really a politician. Yet. I’m quite shy and not many people know who I am. Well, they do now, thanks to the Sunday Times putting me on their front page. I am 58 and keep myself fit by making money. I did some anti-apartheid stuff when I was young and didn’t really like white people. I changed my mind when they started paying me R20m a year, lol. I will be your smartest, most honest president.

Patricia de Lille: Aweh, comrades! If it’s a president you’re after, look no further! I am your guy. Even though I am 72, I look and feel 24. I enjoy shouting at people and showing off my bodyguards. I made a career out of vloeking the ANC. Then Cyril made me a cabinet minister. It’s almost like he was trying to shut me up. I used to party-hop when I was younger but those days are over. My bum likes being in the butter! Maybe don’t make me president. Too much hard work, brah.

Bantu Holomisa: My name is Bantubonke and I am 68 and have no hobbies. I can’t tell the difference between fake reports and reality, but I do know my way around the Transkei. Being called General and clinging to power makes me happy. Proudly expelled from the ANC. With two seats in Parliament and almost 80,000 votes in 2019, I am looking forward to becoming president-for-life in 2024.

Vuyolwethu Zungula: Greetings. You can call me Vuyo even though you have probably never heard of me. I enjoy life a lot more now that a man who hates being called “Jimmy” has left the party. Gosh, he really could hog the limelight! Now it’s my turn to take a stand. I am against all the things other leaders are against. I love my family and the Mercedes-Benz C220d given to me by my church.

Kenneth Meshoe: My name is Kenneth and I love God, Israel and the death penalty. Against mandatory Covid vaccines and strictly pro-choice, except when it comes to abortions. And alcohol. And sex education. Oh, and rock music. I have been the leader of my party for 30 years and, as a committed democrat, I hope to lead SA for another 30.

Ganief Hendricks: Salam alaykum. I am 74 but still have most of my hair. Not crazy about Zionists and gays. America is probably listening. Will share more when we meet at election time. Free Palestine. Inshallah.

Gayton McKenzie: I’m Gayton and turning 50 next year. You’re all welcome to my massive party. There will be elephants and leopards. And that’s just the first course! I know how to rob banks but politics pays better. Successful motivational speaker, especially when using threats of violence. Make me president. Or else.

Mosiuoa Lekota: Please don’t vote for me. Just leave me alone.