Unleash the troglodytes
Today, 178 years ago, the Voortrekkers defeated a Zulu army at the Battle of Blood River. And today, the Boers and the Zulus will join forces to defeat me at the Battle of Gateway shopping centre.
The...
A season for exchanging gifts and bodily fluids
Bloody Christmas. Again. Squeaky little humanoid hamsters on a giant treadwheel in the sky. Round and round we go. Well, I've had enough. Stop this thing. I want to get off.
Why the 25th of December, ...
Jingle Hells
School holidays should be abolished.
Our creaking infrastructure and shattered nerves can no longer withstand the blitzkrieg of semi-educated savages at the end of every year. There should be new rule...
Ripped abs and shredded underwear
After months of hard work, I have finally managed to develop an almost classic example of what's known in the trade as a dad bod. By hard work, I mean minimal exercise, poor diet and unlimited alcohol...
Crime me a river
Since I don't have a heritage worth celebrating, I went to a braai on that recent public holiday. I don't usually go to braais because I suffer from a borderline misanthropic disorder and can't always...
Twisted Koeksuster
The loss of life today has been quite spectacular, even by our standards.
Thousands of pigs, sheep, goats, cows and chickens fought among themselves for the honour of being the first to lay down their...
An open letter to Pastor Steven L Anderson
Dear Pastor
On behalf of all red-blooded, right-thinking heterosexual South African men, I would like to apologise for the appalling treatment meted out to you by the limp-wristed, cocktail-sucking pi...
We don't knead no edukayshun
I was delighted to see bits of the University of KwaZulu-Natal go up in flames last week.
It made me come over all schadenfreudy, largely because I never got the chance to go to university. None would...
Oil discovered in giant human well
In what has been described as a “miracle of staggering proportions”, vast untapped petroleum reserves have been discovered inside Khulubuse Zuma.
The businessman, a nephew of President Jacob Zuma, was...
Application for a position at South African Airways
Dear Biggles,
I stumbled across your advert quite literally. I was en route from the kitchen to the veranda with an adult beverage in hand when I tripped over the Sunday papers. The Bad Yellow-Eyed Wo...
Pining for the pines
I was out walking on the slopes of Table Mountain the other day enjoying the exercise and marveling at the view ... oh, who am I kidding. I was out looking for shamanic fungi but I can't write that or...
We're the A Team – We don't need reserves
Next to beer, I think petrol is my most favourite liquid. You can huff it to get high, use it to make Molotov cocktails and put it in your car so you drive to the bottle store. Trained professionals a...