A buffet called Africa
China, eh? Funny old business. I had one of them Chinese in the back of my car once. Well, he was in the boot, actually. Come to think of it, that wasn't a Chinese at all – it was a spare tyre. Probab...
Tap-dancing gorillas and tenants from hell
Did you know that gorillas make up "food songs" while they eat? A German scientist discovered this "fun new fact" while working with the primates in the Congo. I don't think it's a fun fact at all. I ...
An open letter to Sports Minister Fikile Mbalula
Dear Comrade Fiks,
Well done on cracking down on sports that don't have enough darkies in their teams. This is Africa, not Scandinavia. Did you know that in some parts of Norway you aren't even allow...
An open letter to Julius “Seizure” Malema
Dear Comrade Julius Malema the First, Commander-in-Chief of the Economic Freedom Fighters, Hero of the Poor, Prince of Pedis, the People's Parliamentarian, Evader of Taxes and Creator of the Revolutio...
It’s all been a terrible mistake
Ah, yes. It's all coming back to me now. Here's one I wrote to Schabir in April 2016.
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Dear Schabir Shaik,
It's a damn shame that you didn't get Judge Willie Seriti in your tr...
Real feminists stand by their men
Dear ANC Women's League,
I apologise for addressing you as a league and not as an individual. Women are so much more than mere leagues these days. My non-sexist sensibilities are telling me – well, sh...
President Zuma, you have mail
Greetings, Mosholozi, in the name of our patron saint Machiavelli and all those who follow the holy gospels of perfidy and artifice.
Well done on surviving yet another attack by the running dogs of … ...
When Good Friday turned bad
I was making an emergency house call on the bad yellow-eyed woman when I stumbled across a rapidly forming mob at the old harbour in Hermanus. Sensing a fight in the making, I pushed my way to the fro...
A vicious cycle
I never intended to enter the Cape Argus Cycle Tour, but by Friday I was so sick and tired of these people taking over our restaurants and filling our brothels that I decided to teach them a lesson.
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Deck the halls with boughs of folly
I was delighted to hear that students at the University of Cape Town were burning paintings last week. I have been wanting to do this ever since my art teacher gave me an F for a heavily stylised depi...
An open letter to Donald Trump
Hey Donald!
Or should I call you President Trump? It certainly has a magnificent ring to it. Magnificent, obviously, in the way that a tornado heading for a redneck trailer park in, say, Texas, is ma...
SONA – a dull blip on my radar
President Jacob Zuma's nine-step programme to save the economy has a lot in common with AA's 12-step programme to save alcoholics. They both rely on the intervention of a higher power and … well, that...