Dear Comrade Dr Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma the First, President of the Republic of South Africa, Head of the Household, Defender of the Faith, Pastor of the Flock, Defeater of the Mbeki, Unifier of the Nation, Msholozi of Msholozis, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, Conqueror of the Apartheid Regime and Owner of Property in Nkandla, I hereby greet you.

I see Armscor vehemently denies intending to spend R4-billion on a new aircraft for you. I presume this means it’ll be closer to R5-billion. Good for you. A hard-working president such as yourself deserves nothing less. Ignore the critics. They’re just jealous because they don’t have free air travel on a plane with its own fire pool, amphitheatre and onboard cattle kraal.

Whatever you do, don’t get an Airbus. Buses are used by the poor. They are for common folk who can’t afford jets. Tell them you will only consider buying one if they change the name to Airpalace or Aircastle. Even Airchâteau would be a step up from Airbus.

Since Armscor is responsible for picking out your new Airmansion, why don’t you get them to fit it with guns? A president who travels in a giant luxury fighter plane would be respected and feared around the world. The Japanese have a nice range of 30mm cannons that can be fitted to the wings. Can’t go wrong with that. You could have your own personal Pearl Harbour. Coming in low and strafing Cape Town’s Waterfront on a Sunday morning would certainly give the DA a run for its money. Actually, scrap that. Machine guns are for amateurs. What you want are missiles. I’d suggest the AGM-142 Raptor. A moving target is more fun. You could get some practice taking out those silly cable cars that ferry drunk and stoned tourists up and down Table Mountain.

Hell, these are all half-measures. Get Armscor to lash a couple of cruise missiles to the fuselage. If you wanted to attack, say, Lesotho, you needn’t even go very far. Take it up for a spin around Pretoria, point the snout towards Maseru and press the button. Send in the infantry to bayonet the wounded and it’s all yours by lunchtime. A man of your stature should have a second country. A holiday country, if you will. The peasants would love you more, if that’s even possible.

Speaking of which, I don’t understand why the counter-revolutionaries are criticising you for saying that as far as you’re concerned, the ANC, and not the country, comes first. Of course it does. It was, after all, the ANC and its private army of indentured civil servants who gave you eight years in office – which doesn’t even give you much time to properly feather your retirement nest. What has the country ever done for you? It just sits there with its stupid misshapen mountains and dried up dams, making no effort whatsoever to improve the lives of you and your family.

You’ve said some profound things over the years ­– minorities have fewer rights, be careful of clever blacks, women must have more children and so on – but there’s one that still mystifies me. You once said the ANC would rule until Jesus returned. So it’s one of two things, then. Either you don’t believe Jesus could ever return because then you might as well believe in unicorns, or the Second Coming would be a terrible thing because it would effectively mean the end of ANC rule. I suppose it would. Christianity’s main man was never a huge fan of gamblers and money-lenders and he’d cause mayhem in the casinos and banks. And his water-into-wine trick wouldn’t be any good since we have no water. I suppose you could always neutralise him through co-option. Comrade Jesus Christ, Minister of Miracles. It has a ring to it. And once he’s paying off his BMW 750i and his new wife has a gold card and a Clicks account, you’ll have him right where you want him.

So, anyway. A ministerial task team has found that you appointed a liar and a cheat as your chief of police. Were these among the qualities that helped Riah Phiyega get the job in the first place or did she become like that while in office? I don’t suppose it really matters. Nothing matters.

Quite frankly I don’t know why I keep writing to you. It’s patently obvious that your advisors never allow you to read anything other than Game supplements and watch nothing more informative than The Bold and the Beautiful. After all, if you were allowed unfettered access to unbiased journalism, would you still be able to confidently stand up and deny being a liability to the country? Of course you would. Reality is subjective and anyone who argues otherwise should be flogged.

By the way, did you know that on your salary you can afford 293 Big Macs a day? That’s more than Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin. Congratulations. We’re all very proud of you.