The office of the president’s privates
Dear Sir/Madam/Comrade,
I am applying for the post of Deputy Director-General: Private Office of the President. I saw the job advertised in a newspaper that I must have thrown away because I ...
An open letter to Nompumelelo Ntuli-Zuma
Dear Nompumelelo,
I liked your style right from the moment I saw that picture of you at your wedding wearing a dress that appeared to have been made entirely out of banknotes. You don't get classier ...
No wealth and common as dirt – Durban takes the lead
Parties exploded across Durban last week when Edmonton withdrew its bid to host the 2022 Commonwealth Games, leaving this glittering jewel of the east coast the sole bidder.
It should be said, though...
Who spanked Jesus?
Dear Comrade Pope,
You said the other day that it's okay to spank children as long as it's done with dignity. At first I thought, hmm, that isn't a very Christian thing to say. I mean, what h...
A waste of energy
I have been on the road for a few days, driving relentlessly into the sunrise, and I buy a newspaper whenever I can. However, there is a certain amount of news lag as the cities are reduced to towns a...
An open letter to Jacob Zuma
Dear Comrade President,
Are you aware that your office has invited the hoi-polloi to send suggestions about what you should say during your State of the Nation Address next week? You can't possibly ha...
I am not Patrice Motsepe
I feel sorry for Patrice Motsepe. For a start, he's the fourth richest man in the country. Fourth is a terrible position. I always came fourth in athletics at school, regardless of the event, and it w...
A Day at the Races
A 10km-deep snarl of traffic surrounded Kenilworth racecourse and our mood was dark and ugly by the time we swerved into the J&B Met VIP parking area.
“Media,” I shouted, flashing my black wristba...
Shock! Horror! Outrage!
It's not always easy coming up with ideas for a column, week after week, month after month, year after goddamn year, especially not since the internet was invented and everyone became a comedian overn...
An open letter to the Grade One class of 2015
Hello kiddies. I'm your Uncle Ben and I'm here to help explain what's happening to you.
First of all, welcome to hell. You think the last five years of living with your parents was rough? That's nothi...
You call that a circus?
I did something the other night that I haven't done since I was a kid. No, not wet the bed. I went to the circus. It was set up on a nearby field and I didn't have anything on so I drove down there bu...
The filth and the fury
Shell-shocked, I trail through the house kicking aside empty beer bottles and accumulating a thick layer of animal hair on the soles of my feet. By the time I find the bad yellow-eyed woman, I look li...