The Agony and the Methylenedioxymethamphetamine
Men in white coats tell us that hangovers are caused by the excessive intake of alcohol. Funny, then, how it was men in white coats saying, “Can I bring you another?” that caused all the trouble in th...
Lord of the Piston Rings
Now that Christmas is behind us and we have had our fill of the body and blood of Christ and no longer feel beholden to preach peace and goodwill to all and sundry, we can return to being the people w...
How to deliver a baby
At this time of year, it’s a good idea for all of us to have some sort of First Aid training. We – and not just the government – are a disaster-prone people and you never know when you might be called...
Useless gifts for dysfunctional people
The decorations in the mall seem to lack something of the Christian ethos this year. When I was growing up, you could barely move for cheerful scenes of the crucifixion and mawkish tableaus of ceramic...
Tips on drinking yourself to death
Although they are not always aware of it, most South African men regularly bring themselves to the point of death by drinking so much alcohol that it would induce organ failure in smaller men with mor...
The Idiot's Guide to Surviving the Holidays
After months of suffering the slings and arrows of corporate exploitation, millions of people are now free to do as they wish. Sure, we’ll give you a job. All you have to do is make sure you’re behind...
Of holidays past
I can’t remember who came up with the idea, but it was in the middle of one of those warm family moments when everybody is fighting over the last of the crumpets and tequila and someone shouted, “Let’...
Adopt the brace position
This must be a terribly confusing time for the children of dyslexic parents. “If you're good, Satan might come down the chimney on Christmas Eve!” What a horrible thought. And yet he brings pre...
Leave your carbon footprint on Eskom's dumb ass
Operating under cover of darkness, thanks to those godless incompetents at Eskom, I knocked over the Weber after staging a one-man protest braai. The bad yellow-eyed woman woke me up several hours lat...
A matter of degrees
Even though I have never lied about my qualifications, I still managed to reach the top of my field. Okay, that's not true. I don't have a field. But I did manage to reach the top of my garden once. I...
Give thanks for what?
I fail to see what everyone is getting so cheerful about. Yes, the year is almost over. But there will be another after that, bringing with it more power cuts, higher interest rates, spiralling corrup...
Up In Smoke
For a little light relief, here is a column I wrote some time ago.
There was a sphincter-clenching advertisement in last week's Sunday papers. It came with a WARNING and featured a giant photograph o...