Big elections need big rulers – get the measure of it today
What I enjoy most about elections is waking up early, packing a cooler box of beer and a moonbag of amphetamines, and setting off to cast my ballot at as many polling stations as possible before being...
Anarchy in the RSA
With polls due to open on Wednesday, election fever is reaching a crescendo. Bare-assed lying, bribery, coercion and threats of violence are witnessed every day. And that’s just in my house.
The situ...
South Africa – a nation of Brit-boeties, Boers, Bantu and other bliksems
South Africa has a long and proud history of democratic rule – along with other shining examples like Cuba, North Korea and the Mongol Empire.
Even though the Khoikhoi and San were taking decisions b...
Gettin’ me a little R&R
It wasn't long before I was convinced that Mkuze Game Reserve had no animals. Judging by the size of the staff, it was entirely possible that they had eaten the lot.
I went into a hide where a sectio...
Application to the SA Army: Training Programme
Dear Madam,
I am certain you are a madam because the army would never allow a man to open the mail. However, with this new-fangled, touchy-feely, homo-friendly vibe going around, you may wel...
A letter from South Africa – postal code 419
My dear respected Nigeria,
I came upon your good name in the newspapers and I hope you do not object me to approaching you with this information. I have the believe that you are a reputable and trust...
Renewing my licence to loot
I was sitting in a bar the other day admiring how young and virile I looked in the photo on my driver's licence when I noticed that it had expired. In November. What's the point of having one of these...
Buster Blood Vessel
Almost a year ago, I hired a bicycle and rode from Blue Lagoon to uShaka Marine World to investigate the state of the beachfront. I wrote a column about it. My body must have sensed that it was time f...
Earth Shmerth
Earth Hour is over. Thank fuck for that.
To be frank, with the possible exception of Happy Hour, I am not overly interested in anything that lasts for only 60 minutes. The other thing is this. I have ...
Uneasy lies the head
The Namibian government announced earlier this week that English will, from next year, no longer be the language of instruction from pre-primary to Grade Five. On the same day, the government strung u...
The Dirty Dozen 2
We need a fresh approach to politics.
But perhaps not quite as fresh as North Korea’s approach. Last week, Kim Jong-un won the election with 100% of ballots cast in his favour. The man’s popularity ...
The Fear Factor
Comrades, we have new things to fear.
Russia provoking world war three. The Oscar Pistorius trial dragging on for months. Protein.
Let us begin with the first. It’s the least likely to affect us dir...