Lying by numbers
I am pleased to hear there is talk of putting a cap on lawyers’ fees, although I still think it’s a far better idea to put a cap in lawyers’ asses. Violence is the only language they understand. Viole...
An open letter to sports minister Fikile Mbalula
Howzit Fiks,
I reckon I can dispense with formality ‘coz you been hanging with rappers and threatening our soccer team with, like, death. That’s cool. I’m down with that kind of thing.
So I read in ...
Pussies Riot
I have been trying to work out what the Democratic Alliance had in mind when they “marched” on the ANC’s headquarters in Joburg last week.
It wasn’t really a march. Not a proper one. A march for jobs...
Knee-deep in whackos and nutjobs
The first time I heard the term “cray cray” I was in Paternoster, the West Coast centre of operations for petty pilferers, tik monsters and venal property owners. The person shouting “cray cray” at me...
A Chinese lesbian is all I need
Like most people at this time of year, my thoughts have turned to how best I can help those less fortunate than myself.
No, they haven’t. They have turned to money. More specifically, why don’t I hav...
An inconvenient tooth
There are two things I fear most of all. Three, if you include cockroaches. What the hell, let’s throw in praying mantises and make it four. Heavy lifting rounds it off to five.
But all things consid...
An open letter to teachers
Dear Sir/Miss/Ma’am,
So you and the vicious little bastards have returned to do battle for another year. You have my sympathy. It can’t be easy. For a start, you have to put names to a whole bunch of...
A bad year to be in musth
When I heard this was the Year of the Horse, I immediately went out and bought one. No, of course I didn’t. If I could afford a horse, would I be writing this kind of rubbish for a living? Perhaps. I ...
The filth and the fury
South Africans who say they would rather spend their holidays here than anywhere else – because, like, it's such an awesome country – should have their jaws permanently wired shut so that never again ...
The working class of 2013
So, kidults. It’s crunch time. School and you have parted ways. The decisions you have to make now are the easy ones. Later on in life, you will be faced with the really tough ones. Like, should I hav...
Whites Only / Slegs Blanke
This column is reserved for white people only.
Relax. This isn’t as alarming as it sounds. It’s just that I have a few things to get off my sunken chest and it doesn’t apply to all who live in this m...
Helpful tips for job interviews
Matric students have come to the end of their school life and workers have come to the end of their contracts. Everyone in this country is either on contract or has a contract out on them. The only pe...