An open letter to Santa Claus
Dear Santa,
I remember, as a child, my mother saying: "Santa won't bring you any presents if you're naughty." I would ask how Santa could possibly know if I had been bad and she would answer: "Santa ...
Sex toys for all
The best part of Christmas shopping is driving into one of those monstrously phallic parking garages and discovering that it ascends in tightly wound spirals. The secret lies in steadily increasing yo...
An open letter to French President Nicolas Sarkozy
Cher Monsieur Président,
Comment allez vous, eksê. What a shame that the Dutch beat you to my country. French is so much easier on the tongue than Afrikaans. Oh well. C'est la vie. Or, as we ...
An Open Letter to Kenny “Caligula” Kunene
Dear Kenny,
I am bitterly disappointed that you hosted yet another of your Dionysian bacchanalia without inviting me. Is it because I'm white? I hope not. You see, Kenny, like you, I too have done ti...
That time I wrote to Jackie Selebi…
Jacob Zuma's release on medical parole reminded me of a letter I wrote to our former police chief Jackie Selebi 10 years ago. Say what you like about him, he, unlike Schabir Shaik, at least had the de...
My Holiday – Part III
So, wrapping up the tortuous trilogy that constitutes my vacation. The Land Rover broke down again. This time in J-Bay. I think the mechanic said something about a shattered cone in the shock. I could...
Clubbed, sealed and delivered
From: bentrovato@mweb.co.za
To: hatemyavuz@superonline.com
Subject: For the attention of Mr Hatem Yavuz of the Hatem Yavuz Group, purveyors of fine pelts and furs
Dear Mr Yavuz,
I understa...
Rage against the plying of the lighties
After hearing about the Matric Rage going down this weekend, I knew right away I had to be part of it. When I finished school, we didn’t have such a thing. On the last day of school, our teachers gave...
Climate change? Oil drink to that.
High level talks to save the planet have to be a good thing, right? So why is everyone so disillusioned a week after they started? Why are the cocaine-producing countries using words like “selfish” an...
My Holiday – Part II
A capricious Latina bitch by the name of LaNiñaput the kibosh on our plans to hole up on the Wild Coast for a few days. Before you could say “hypothetical meteorological phenomenon”, storm clouds gath...
My Holiday – Part I
A week ago I received an invitation to address the climate change conference that starts in Durban tomorrow. “Don’t be ridiculous,” said Brenda. “That would be like inviting Jackson Mthembu to be patr...
Dear Julius
Brenda has been nagging me to emigrate (I presume she means us, and not just me) on the spurious grounds that South Africa is going to hell in a hand-basket. I don't want to leave. I reckon in twenty ...