Kissing Cousins And Strip Mines
I was going to write about politics this week but the moment I typed the word “Mangaung”, I projectile vomited. I tried again and again and each time I lost more and more of my lunch.
The sound I ma...
The Whine Route
I stand in solidarity with the striking grape-pickers of the Western Cape because I, too, was once a picker of grapes. Not here, of course. Our wine farms would never hire white pickers, especially no...
An Open Letter To President Barack Obama
Dear Comrade Barack,
Yeehaa! What a week! I can hardly see, my eyes are so red and swollen from celebrating. I never imagined that so many of your people could shed their conservative carapaces and b...
The Vervet Underground
I have seen more monkeys in the last three weeks than I have people. You're probably thinking how lucky I am to be holidaying in some or other pristine wilderness far from the madding crowd. Well, I'm...
JuJu O’Lantern Will Scare The Bejeezus Out Of Anyone
It is Halloween this Wednesday and I, for one, cannot wait to put on my succubus suit and go creeping around the neighbourhood late at night banging on doors, shouting: “Trick or treat!”
The real sp...
Crime Me A River
I went to a braai on Friday night. It was either that or give heroin a try. The house was full of normal people with normal faces and normal jobs. I should have gone with the heroin.
Braais aren't wh...
Misanthropy Is The Life For Me
Wednesday started well enough with a near-drowning experience at North Beach and a few mugs of electric tea with the legendary lawyer Psycho Syd Taverner, followed by an unexpected nap and a frighteni...
Sea Point Promenade Is Hell On Wheels
Last weekend I was beginning to think there was nothing worth living for when it suddenly occurred to me that Monday marked the start of Transport Month.
Oh, what joy! Hurrah! Hurrah!
A chorus of ...
An Open Letter to Julius Malema – Washer-in-Chief of Filthy Lucre
Dear Julius,
What's happening, old boy? Seems as if you have landed yourself in another frightful mess. The hounds of hell are hot on your heels and you don't appear to be in any shape to outrun them...
Anyone For Chemo And A Nice Cup Of Tea?
I lost my mother a few days ago. Not in the way that you might lose your car keys. Keys can be replaced. Mother's hardly ever.
It all started several months ago when she developed a cough. Our family...
Dr Piazza’s School Of Conflict Resolution
I like Facebook. It's full of cuddly animals, happy families and squirrelly sociopaths. Amidst this foul repository of inexcusable spelling errors and grammatical atrocities committed by people who re...
An Open Letter to King Goodwill Zwelithini
Howzit Comrade King,
I hope you don't mind the informality. I am the king of the white people and feel that, as equals, it wouldn't be right for me to come across all fawning and obsequious. That's t...