Douglas Daft Denies Doctoring Dindar’s Drink
Doctor Haroon Dindar of Mpumalanga was outraged when he discovered there was alcohol in a bottle of Coca-Cola he bought from the Coke depot in Ermelo.
The company admitted liability, saying the alcoh...
Kill To Licence
I have come to the conclusion that the City of Cape Town's motor vehicle registration and licensing department is not so much a department as it is a bat-eared, clock-watching post-nasal drip sitting ...
An Open Letter To Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu
Dear Bibi,
Well done on your latest crackdown on foreigners in Israel. It's bad enough they are goyim, but schvartze goyim? Oy vey!
Billions of Africans are fleeing to glittering democracies like Is...
The Great White – From Predator To Prey
White South Africans, much like white sharks, are one of the most misunderstood animals on the planet.
They have a reputation for unpredictable behaviour and non-Caucasians are often afraid to ventu...
Running From The Comrades
By the time you read this, I will be on the road somewhere between Pietermaritzburg and Durban.
Yes, indeed. I am running in the Comrades Marathon. My first ever.
I found myself in the area quite by...
Chop Their Filthy Little Heads Off
Dear Comrade Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma the First, by the Grace of God President of the Republic of South Africa, Head of the Household, Defender of the Faith, Pastor of the Flock, Defeater of the Mbek...
A Wunch Of Bankers
Let us, for argument's sake, agree that I was having a business lunch at, say, Teazers on Tuesday.
I am speaking hypothetically, of course. I would never lower myself to indulge in something so repu...
An Open Letter To Cape Town Mayor Patricia de Lille
Dear Patsy,
Please reconsider your plan to give the Freedom of Cape Town to American president Barack Obama and his wife. I am not saying this because I am a racist which I am not.
I have two black...
The Six Stages of Grief
Brenda has left me. Not alone, of course. She is far too vindictive for that. She has left me with our monstrosity of a son and a skanky cat called Boris.
She moved out when I went to the shops for a...
Piston Broke – The Story Of My Life
Many of you have been sending cards, flowers and even boxes of African spitting scorpions in the wake of the brutal murder of my beloved Hyundai.
Thank you for your condolences, but that's enough no...
Trovato In National Honours Outrage
This is the fourth consecutive year in which I have neither killed nor raped anyone. I have refrained from hijacking cars and taking hostages. I have paid my taxes and some of my traffic fines. I cont...
A Vicious Cycle
I never intended to enter the Cape Argus Pick ’n Pay Cycle Tour, but by Friday I was so sick and tired of these people taking over our restaurants and filling our brothels that I decided to te...