Meh-li Had A Little Fat-Free Lamb
I am struggling to build up a good head of outrage this week. Everything I read seems unpleasantly familiar.
Cops are crooked, tenders are rigged, men are shot, women are raped, the capitalists are ...
An Open Letter to the Independent Communications Authority of SA
Dear Sir or Madam,
Forgive me for not knowing whether you are a sir or a madam. For all I know, you are both. If you are indeed a hermaphrodite or even a transsexual who dreams of one day undergoing ...
My brief career as an Agony Aunt
I had forgotten that I was an Agony Aunt called Sis Beatrice several years ago. Here are some of the letters I responded to.
..................................
Dear Sis Beatrice,
My neighbour...
Application for the position of CEO of the SA Dental Association
Dear Sir,
I presume you are a ‘sir’ because women don’t feature very prominently in dentistry. Please don’t misunderstand me. Women make fabulous dental hygienists, assistants and receptionists, but ...
An Open Letter to “Reverend” Kemo Waters
Dear Comrade Kemo,
The moment I heard about your message on Twitter suggesting that white people ought to be snuffed out like the vermin they are, I thought it important to write to you without delay...
An Open Letter to Julius Malema
Dear Juju,
Like a true pioneer, albeit one who has been dipping into the emergency supply of moonflowers, you continue to burn your bridges as you forge blindly ahead. I'm not sure if hitching your w...
Shame on the sheeple
With the podium awash in cake and catharsis, deputy president Kgalema Motlanthe raised his glass and proposed a toast. “The leaders will now enjoy the champagne, and of course they do so on your behal...
Women and children first
It was like Friday or something and I was just sommer trapping down the road to score a toasted sarmie minding my own beeswax when this darkie checked me skeef. Like, lank skeef. I chooned him hey wha...
Bloemfontein Über Alles
A no-flies zone has been declared around Bloemfontein this weekend. President Zuma believes flies were brought over by the missionaries and used as weapons of mass distraction. While the Africans were...
My kingdom for a Kwaai Lappies
South Africans who say they would rather spend their holidays here than anywhere else – because, like, it's such an awesome country – should have their jaws permanently wired shut so that never again ...
Hangovers 101
Men in white coats tell us that hangovers are caused by the excessive intake of alcohol. Funny, then, how it was men in white coats saying, “Can I bring you another?” that caused all the trouble in th...