Useless gifts for dysfunctional people
The decorations in the mall seem to lack something of the Christian ethos this year. When I was growing up, you could barely move for cheerful scenes of the crucifixion and mawkish tableaus of ceramic...
Tips on drinking yourself to death
Although they are not always aware of it, most South African men regularly bring themselves to the point of death by drinking so much alcohol that it would induce organ failure in smaller men with mor...
The Idiot's Guide to Surviving the Holidays
After months of suffering the slings and arrows of corporate exploitation, millions of people are now free to do as they wish. Sure, we’ll give you a job. All you have to do is make sure you’re behind...
Of holidays past
I can’t remember who came up with the idea, but it was in the middle of one of those warm family moments when everybody is fighting over the last of the crumpets and tequila and someone shouted, “Let’...
Leave your carbon footprint on Eskom's dumb ass
Operating under cover of darkness, thanks to those godless incompetents at Eskom, I knocked over the Weber after staging a one-man protest braai. The bad yellow-eyed woman woke me up several hours lat...
Give thanks for what?
I fail to see what everyone is getting so cheerful about. Yes, the year is almost over. But there will be another after that, bringing with it more power cuts, higher interest rates, spiralling corrup...
Up In Smoke
For a little light relief, here is a column I wrote some time ago.
There was a sphincter-clenching advertisement in last week's Sunday papers. It came with a WARNING and featured a giant photograph o...
Prophet and Loss
I feel sick when I think of all the people selling their icons for a bag of cash and a pound of power. More than 150 million plastic crucified Jesuses are pumped out each year. Cuba sells Che Guevara ...
Doggy just went out of style
My attention was snared by a story that Malaysia’s predominantly Islamic population had been rocked by a shocking event held in a park on the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur. What depraved act had been comm...
A letter to the horn-happy hunters
Dear Dawie Groenewald and your gay brother, Janneman. Sorry, Janneman. Maybe you aren’t gay. But what the hell kind of name is Janneman? It’s fucked up, that’s what it is. You got the good name, Dawie...
Patently not inventors
Our government is worried that not enough people are applying for patents. In other words, South Africans are useless when it comes to coming up with stuff that nobody else has thought of.
And it’s n...
Martial bliss
The Malemas of Seshego and the Hofmeyrs of Pretoria are delighted to announce the marriage of their sons, Julius and Steve.