An open letter to teachers
Dear Sir/Miss/Ma’am,
So you and the vicious little bastards have returned to do battle for another year. You have my sympathy. It can’t be easy. For a start, you have to put names to a whole bunch of...
A bad year to be in musth
When I heard this was the Year of the Horse, I immediately went out and bought one. No, of course I didn’t. If I could afford a horse, would I be writing this kind of rubbish for a living? Perhaps. I ...
The working class of 2013
So, kidults. It’s crunch time. School and you have parted ways. The decisions you have to make now are the easy ones. Later on in life, you will be faced with the really tough ones. Like, should I hav...
Whites Only / Slegs Blanke
This column is reserved for white people only.
Relax. This isn’t as alarming as it sounds. It’s just that I have a few things to get off my sunken chest and it doesn’t apply to all who live in this m...
Predictions & Premonitions 2014
This is the year I give it all up. I'm going to make some real money, get fit and have more sex. This year things are going to be different. Really? Unless aliens beam you up to the mother ship and tu...
Horrorscope 2014
Aries
2014 is going to be a dreadful year for you. If you have given up drinking, take it up again. Let yourself go. Start smoking. Dabble in soft drugs if the urge takes you. Life is short, but yours...
New Year’s Eve
My liver huddles up against my spleen and whimpers at the mere mention of it. Come out, you lily-livered coward. I need you now more than ever.
To be honest, I have felt uncomfortable about making a ...
Jingle Hells
I went to a mall the other day just to get a break from the marathon coverage of all things Madiba.
Under normal circumstances, I would sooner pluck my eyeballs out with a red-hot spoon than go into ...
Gunning for the Tiny Ten
I was part of the lynch mob that went after American hunter Melissa Bachman. After unleashing a volley of flaming barbs in her general direction, I thought I should perhaps give this hunting lark a ba...
My kingdom for a kidney
I have been ill this past week.
At first, I never realised I was ill. I thought I was merely hung over. The symptoms were the same. Dizzy, weeping sores, swollen groin glands. But nobody stays hung o...
To: Emoya Luxury Hotel & Spa
Dear Sir/Madam,
For a long time, I have been looking for a unique shantytown accommodation experience because I don't believe you can call yourself an African until you have spent at least one night ...
An open letter to Julius Malema
Dear Right Honourable Excellency Julius Sello Malema the First, Commander in Chief of the Economic Freedom Fighters, Ruler of all the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of Coloni...