Dear Julius Malema, Supreme Commander of the Economic Freedom Fighters…

Congratulations on your magnificent performance in the Cape Town City Hall last week. You and your fighters looked good in your well-pressed designer overalls. Unlike the DA, who came dressed as if they were auditioning for The Addams Family.

I had a lady friend over at the time and she became quite aroused as proceedings unfolded. When you mounted the stage, she gave a cry like a wounded animal and wrestled me from my chair. Pinning me to the floor, she watched with glittering eyes, panting heavily, as events turned physical. As burly men in camouflage engaged in hand-to-hand combat with your valiant fighters, she grew increasingly excited. Eventually, she had me by the hair, banging my head against the tiles. Then the slapping and biting began. It wasn’t much fun, to be honest, and I doubt I will invite her over to watch the next State of the Nation Address.

Even though it’s generally women who voice this complaint, I was disappointed that the fun was over before it really began.

For a start, there were way too many points of order being raised with a Speaker who apparently suffers from prosopagnosia, a disorder where one struggles to recognise people. If I enjoyed watching people shout at each other, I wouldn’t have got divorced.

The next time this happens, shout for maybe two or three minutes, then go straight to the violence.

First, though, you guys are going to have to get fit. You and Floyd have bulked up in recent months, but the weight distribution is wrong. You need to shift it from your bellies to your arms. Your impressive girth might allow you to absorb a punch, but you lack the upper body strength to deal with a parliamentary security team that clearly doesn’t live on prime ribs and imported whisky.

You don’t want to be like our bantamweight fighter, Siboniso Gonya. Eleven seconds after he stepped into the ring with countryman Zolani Tete in 2017, he was unconscious. It was the fastest knockout in a world championship bout.

On Thursday, your entire party was ejected in under two minutes. That didn’t even leave us punters enough time put money on the outcome. With a bit of gym every day, you could give us some proper entertainment.

Anyway, I suppose you have more important matters to attend to. Like bringing the country to a standstill in such a way that people notice the difference.

I’m not convinced the EFF on its own will be able to stop all economic activity for a day. The ANC has been working at this for ages and they still haven’t got it right. Still, the system has been weakened and I know you’re not a man who is afraid to kick an economy when it’s down.

It was a brilliant tactic to plan your national shutdown for 20 March. With the Tuesday being a public holiday, it gives us all a long weekend. Any party that fights for everyone to stay home and drink on a Monday gets my vote.

The thing is, you might find there are people who actually want to go to work on that day. I know people like this. Eager beavers. They arrive on time every morning, bright-eyed and keen to get to it so that someone else may reap the rewards. I’ve never understood it.

We’re not that different, me and you. Shirkers and malingerers both. You, of course, have a bit of the old Mussolini in you, which always helps when it comes to putting the frighteners on those who won’t cooperate.

People often don’t know what’s good for them. Like the Russians in 1936. Stalin convinced many counter-revolutionaries to come around to his way of thinking by executing them in large numbers. I expect you’ll want to see how the stayaway goes before announcing any major purges.

Well, good luck in the gym. Don’t forget the legs. You want to be able to storm the stage next time, not roll onto it barking like a seal.

5 thoughts on “Dear Julius Malema, Supreme Commander of the Economic Freedom Fighters…

  1. Lynn Mortimer says:

    Ben, even though I left the motherland more than a decade ago, your missives make me feel as if I’m still right in the centre of the circus tent that is SA post Apartheid (uggghhh what an awful word)!
    Julius is still a moegoe whose actions still bring a smile. OK, a grimace!

  2. Mel Pohler says:

    You make me roll on the floor like a barking laughing seal.

  3. Just loved this. These horrible anarchists are indeed laughable albeit probably dangerous. They must be so very think skinned not to know what everyone knows that they are@

  4. Anne Scahuffer says:

    You are brilliant. You pull me back from the ledge every time.

  5. Elaine Greenblatt says:

    I love u Ben

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