Fuck off, cupid
Here's something I wrote at a time when my so-called marriage was at its best.
Brenda said she wants me to take her out on Valentine's Day. This puts me in a bit of a dilemma. Should I pay some...
A final letter to Msholozi
Dear President Zuma,
I have become accustomed to congratulating you on one or other of your remarkable successes – whether it be state capture or simply the acquisition of a fresh wife – and it grieve...
Day Zero's bubble bursting bonanza
The water crisis in Cape Town isn't all doom and gloom.
I saw a newspaper headline this week that said, “Drought could damage property values.” This is excellent news for everyone who isn't an estate ...
The new dorsland draadtrekkers
I find it hard to take things too seriously because in a hundred years from now everyone on the planet will have vanished and been replaced by eight billion people who don't currently exist. Also, we ...
A day at the races
I see the J&B Met is being run in Cape Town today, except it's not called that any more. It's now the Sun Met. I don't know what happened to the whisky people. I attended the race twice. Once in ...
Of Mr Feelfokkol and other rats
I got an sms from Standard Bank yesterday. They were very excited to tell me that my Gold Card is my ticket into some kind of draw where I could be selected as a contestant to play the bank's new tele...
Jesus Christ Super Shopper
With supermarkets busier than churches on a Sunday, the Church of England is marketing Jesus in the guise of a shopper to boost his appeal – Daily Mail
“Excuse me, sir,” said the security guard at the...
Dear Ancestors …
In times of great misfortune and uncertainty it is an African tradition to consult your ancestors and ask them to show you the way forward.
In the time of Zuma we have had misfortune in spades. These ...
2018 – Year of the year
2018 is going to be the best year. I don't mean compared to last year. Or even the year before, whatever that was. Maths was never my strong suit. I'm talking about the best year in the history of tim...
New Year's Eve
My liver huddles up against my spleen and whimpers at the mere mention of it. Come out, you coward. I know you're in there. I need you now more than ever.
To be honest, and I think honesty is importan...
Invasion of the data snatchers
A tsunami of want is once again engulfing the country. I want to go on holiday. I want a new car. I want a divorce. Everyone wants something at this time of year. From selling bits of seaweed tied tog...
How much for that Baby Jesus?
The best part of Christmas shopping is driving into one of those monstrously phallic parking garages and discovering that it ascends in tightly wound spirals. The secret lies in steadily increasing yo...