Real men read Cosmo
I was having my car washed at a garage the other day and went into the shop to find something to read because I'd sooner rub bits of jellyfish into my eyeballs than watch three underpaid workers seeth...
No nudes is good nudes
Dear Reverend Mike Effanga,
I wish to applaud you on behalf of all right-wing, I beg your pardon, right-thinking South Africans for your efforts to stop those backsliding nudist barbarians from getti...
Jesus was a rabbit
Over the last few weeks the shops have been filling up with lurid gold and silver bunnies of all shapes and sizes. If I didn’t know any better, and I frequently don’t, I might be forgiven for thinking...
Happy St Patrick’s Day
Why is it that the Irish have all the fun? To be sure, there was that nasty business with the potatoes in 1845, but if it weren’t for the Great Hunger, Boston and New York wouldn’t be the same today.
...
An open letter to Michaela ‘Sexy Hunter’ Fialova
Dear Michaela,
When I first saw your picture I mistook you for just another of those very attractive, deeply sensitive women in their twenties who go around not killing things for fun. We don't need ...
Retire when the wheels come off
I came across a headline in one or other financial supplement the other day.
"Do you dream of a happy retirement?"
I sprang from my bed, naked, and ran onto the balcony.
"Yes! Yes!" I shouted, rais...
The office of the president’s privates
Dear Sir/Madam/Comrade,
I am applying for the post of Deputy Director-General: Private Office of the President. I saw the job advertised in a newspaper that I must have thrown away because I ...
An open letter to Nompumelelo Ntuli-Zuma
Dear Nompumelelo,
I liked your style right from the moment I saw that picture of you at your wedding wearing a dress that appeared to have been made entirely out of banknotes. You don't get classier ...
No wealth and common as dirt – Durban takes the lead
Parties exploded across Durban last week when Edmonton withdrew its bid to host the 2022 Commonwealth Games, leaving this glittering jewel of the east coast the sole bidder.
It should be said, though...
Who spanked Jesus?
Dear Comrade Pope,
You said the other day that it's okay to spank children as long as it's done with dignity. At first I thought, hmm, that isn't a very Christian thing to say. I mean, what h...
A waste of energy
I have been on the road for a few days, driving relentlessly into the sunrise, and I buy a newspaper whenever I can. However, there is a certain amount of news lag as the cities are reduced to towns a...