Useless gifts for dysfunctional people
The decorations in the mall seem to lack something of the Christian ethos this year. When I was growing up, you could barely move for cheerful scenes of the crucifixion and mawkish tableaus of ceramic...
Tips on drinking yourself to death
Although they are not always aware of it, most South African men regularly bring themselves to the point of death by drinking so much alcohol that it would induce organ failure in smaller men with mor...
The Idiot's Guide to Surviving the Holidays
After months of suffering the slings and arrows of corporate exploitation, millions of people are now free to do as they wish. Sure, we’ll give you a job. All you have to do is make sure you’re behind...
Of holidays past
I can’t remember who came up with the idea, but it was in the middle of one of those warm family moments when everybody is fighting over the last of the crumpets and tequila and someone shouted, “Let’...
Leave your carbon footprint on Eskom's dumb ass
Operating under cover of darkness, thanks to those godless incompetents at Eskom, I knocked over the Weber after staging a one-man protest braai. The bad yellow-eyed woman woke me up several hours lat...
Give thanks for what?
I fail to see what everyone is getting so cheerful about. Yes, the year is almost over. But there will be another after that, bringing with it more power cuts, higher interest rates, spiralling corrup...
Up In Smoke
For a little light relief, here is a column I wrote some time ago.
There was a sphincter-clenching advertisement in last week's Sunday papers. It came with a WARNING and featured a giant photograph o...
Sharks can bite me
I am a surfer. Condemn me if you must, but there it is.
I do other things, too, of course, because I am now too old to earn a living from the sport. Sure, I could make surfboards out of compressed mar...
Prophet and Loss
I feel sick when I think of all the people selling their icons for a bag of cash and a pound of power. More than 150 million plastic crucified Jesuses are pumped out each year. Cuba sells Che Guevara ...
Parliament seeks scapegoats
Parliament is running an advertisement in some of the papers. This venereal institution is not, as one might think, looking for a Speaker capable of keeping order without calling in an air strike. A S...
The night Bobby dropped in on Osama
An open letter to Robert O’Neill, the American soldier who killed Osama bin Laden
Hey Bobby!
When I saw a headline this week saying, “The Seal who killed Osama”, my first thought was that the true st...
Smoke that cob
The bad yellow-eyed woman said she was going for an afternoon nap. Said I should buy some fish for supper. And not a chunk of hake deep-fried in a vat of recycled batter, which, as everyone knows, is ...