Speed up or die
Happy International Day of the Older Person.
It's not today. It was sometime earlier in the week. I forget when, exactly. Wednesday, I think. Not being able to remember stuff is one of the side effec...
Poaching Private Rhino
"Reports received that SA #rhino poaching kingpin Hugo Ras has been sentenced to 29 years in jail today for fraud, theft & illegal possession of firearms." – Oxpeckers Center, 18 May 2021.
If t...
No woman, no slaai
The loss of life today is going to be quite spectacular, even by South African standards.
Thousands of pigs, sheep, goats, cows and chickens are right now fighting among themselves for the honour o...
Just another bank robbery
I'm good at handling money in much the same way that Oscar Pistorius is good at handling guns. But at least nobody dies as a result of my negligence. Well, I probably will, but that's my own damn faul...
Bravely entering virgin territory
I knew this assignment was going to be different the moment I got the call. “How would you like to join the King of the Zulus in ogling thirty thousand topless virgins?” I was packed in under ...
Bravely entering virgin territory
I knew this assignment was going to be different the moment I got the call. “How would you like to join the King of the Zulus in ogling thirty thousand topless virgins?” I was packed in under ...
A couple of sad anniversaries
Today, two years ago, my mom died. In the highly unlikely event that heaven exists, I hope she's out there raising hell.
And twenty-five years ago, a comrade from my Namibia days was...
The bandersnatches are on their way
We have finally overtaken Britain as the world’s foremost nation in whining and complaining.
Crime is too high. Standards are too low. Sex is too fast. Service is too slow. I hate my job. I ...
Beavers and headbutts
Last week I decided the mind was a lost cause, but the body was still in with a fighting chance. Acting on the assumption that transformation shouldn’t take more than one edition of Men’s Health, I pu...
Fat is the new thin
My mother always emphasised the importance of developing the mind. “Be careful what you put in it,” she would say. From a young age, it was my second favourite organ – of course I was going to...
An evil game of snakes and adders
I caught a snake on my eleventh birthday. Not one of those scary big-ass mothers that can squeeze you to death and swallow you whole. I didn't grow up in the Amazon jungle, even though my table manner...
Trannies without fannies
Men don’t really know how to celebrate Women’s Day without running the risk of being called patronising or sexist. All we can do, really, is dress up as a woman and feel what it’s like to walk in thei...