Fake it till you make it
One of the things about living in South Africa is that it inures you to shock. When Cyril says he's shocked, you can be sure he is being sarcastic.
I miss the days when I’d hear about some or other o...
The shutdown that wasn’t
I'm writing this on Sunday afternoon, the day before the big shutdown. It's quite exciting, not knowing how things will turn out. It's like Schrödinger's Revolution. Until Monday, it's both a massive ...
Judges and journos are guarding the gates
In some countries, the police are referred to as the “thin blue line” between civilisation and anarchy. Obviously, that doesn't apply in South Africa. For a start, given the massive girth and low IQ o...
Of pigs, dogs and other human animals
Kenny Kunene, an ex-convict whose idea of a good time is to drape sushi over the bodies of naked women, called Julius Malema a “cockroach” and a “little frog”. That was a few months ago. Malema, whose...
Application for the post of Eskom CEO
Dear ANC Cadre Deployment Committee,
I can understand you might be reluctant to hire another white man, but let me assure you, I am no André de Ruyter. For a start, I am not as good-looking as he is....
Dear Julius Malema, Supreme Commander of the Economic Freedom Fighters…
Congratulations on your magnificent performance in the Cape Town City Hall last week. You and your fighters looked good in your well-pressed designer overalls. Unlike the DA, who came dressed as if th...
My fellow South Africans …
For the second year, the State of the Nation Address is not being delivered in the National Assembly. It feels like yesterday that a fire swept through parliament 375 days ago. This is why we have not...
The Matrics – Take the red pill, kids
Yes, you’re all very clever. Clap, clap, clap. Well done, girls and boys. Look at you, all sparkly-eyed and smiling fit to burst, flashing your flawless teeth and carefree faces, reminding the rest of...
South Africa: Forward to the Past
After yet another wretched night without power, I bought an ounce of criminally overpriced data and turned to the internet for help. Dignitas seemed the most effective solution, but my bank balance sa...
The Kraken wakes as the government snoozes
So the new year is off to a cracking start. Someone tried to assassinate the head of the University of Fort Hare, there's less electricity than ever before, and it turns out that André de Ruyter's mor...
2023 – A good year for rabbits
Right, then. How are you all feeling? Can't wait to take the new year between your teeth and shake it like a terrier shakes a rat, I'll bet. Yeah, me too.
This is going to be the best year in the his...
Still no Jesus among Christmas babies
I like to think of this week as the year's perineum. In 2023 we're either going to hit the sweet spot or find ourselves even deeper in the … okay, that's about as far as I'm going with that particular...