Xmas shopping for the cheapskates and the drunk
It’s that time of year when the ravening dogs of capitalism are out of the cages and straining at their leashes. Their eyes are red and wet and their foam-flecked jaws snap and slaver. Soon they will ...
A letter to the president
Dear Comrade Cyril,
Congratulations/condolences on recent developments in the Phala Phala clusterfuck. Things are moving fast and there's no way of telling whether you'll be president, jobless or on ...
Stick to falcons, Qatar
Those poor Qataris. They're paying so much money to be liked. Just not enough, sadly. For a start, you call that an opening ceremony? This is the Soccer World Cup, not some half-arsed attempt to impre...
Panties? I object, my Lord
Dear Sadika Fakir, Chair of the Advertising Regulatory Board,
On behalf of all decent, clean-living South Africans, I want to thank you for the position you and your board took against the shocking p...
Get yer Durban Poison now
That bastard pandemic interrupted the distribution of my last book, Durban Poison, but even though it's now out of print, you can still get a copy as an e-book for a ridiculous price right here: https...
Forget sportsmanship, let’s riot!
South Africa truly is a sports-crazy country. You might curl your lip and say the word “sports” is superfluous and you'd be right, but I'm trying to be positive here and if you don't like it, write yo...
Zuma – more cunning than linguist
On Saturday I made the terrible mistake of switching to the live stream of Jacob Zuma's so-called “address to the nation”, as touted by his obsequious handlanger, Jimmy Manyi.
It was excruciating w...
Shooting the breeze … and the boss
An internal survey has found that 65% of cops don't look forward to going to work in the morning. This means the 35% who do enjoy the job are the ones collecting protection money, soliciting bribes an...
Jou ma se holiday
The last time I took a holiday, it went on for five months. Now I can only afford to go away for one night. I spent my 24-hour vacation in Sea Point, requiring a road trip all ...
And the Oscar goes to … Jacob Zuma
Dear Mzwanele Manyi,
I hear you want someone to make a movie about your man, Jacob Zuma. Well, look no further. I imagine you'd want this to be the mother of all hagiographies. Fair enough. Let's get ...
More mayhem at Megatwatt Park
The thought of once again writing about Eskom makes me want to rip out my eyeballs and run naked down the N2. I have been lashing out at this failed cartel since 2008.
People speak of the terror of s...
God Shave the King
Dear Charlie,
May I call you Charlie? After what I've been through in the last week, I feel as if I really know you. Like you're family. Actually, given the state of your family, that's probably the ...