Dear Liz Truss…
Congratulations! Not everybody can become the prime minister of Great Britain! Actually, I take that back. Larry the Cat would’ve made a better leader than Boris Johnson.
I’m sure you will agree that...
Riding the eustachian tube
There are several major design flaws in the human body. Teeth are obviously one. The male member is another, with its autonomous nervous system and tiny, fickle brain. Then there are the ears.
Men ar...
Dear King Misuzulu kaZwelithini…
Bayede! Am I saying that right? Men dressed as leopards were shouting it on the telly on Saturday during your coronation. I apologise that my isiZulu isn't up to scratch. We can't all be Christopher b...
Free drugs at the High Court Night Shelter
If superior beings on a distant planet had a listening device pointed at the Earth, all they'd pick up from South Africa is a dull whine. The sound of millions of people complaining, carping and criti...
Mascara maketh the man
Being in the media, albeit on the shadowy, run-down fringes where the rats don't run, I come across a lot of headlines. They often tell me all I need to know and I move swiftly along for the sake of m...
Lost in translation
My old mate Ted dropped in unannounced the other day, an offence punishable by extreme violence. He said he didn’t have time to make an appointment with someone who last answered his phone in 2014. Ev...
Hanging out with the Vervet underground
I made the mistake of flying to Durban, unaware that schools, which mostly shield us from the awfulness of children, are closed. Every mall, beach and restaurant is infested with the feral savages. Mo...
There will be blood (tests)
So the nights are getting shorter. But not short enough for me. I'm done with nights. Sleeping is an appalling waste of the little time we are allowed on this mad carousel.
If you live to 75, you wil...
Municipal mayhem
There are few six-syllable words in the English language that fill one with more despair and contempt than the word “municipality”. Not in every country, obviously. There are parts of the world where ...
We’ve got an Ankole in the forex business
I wanted to write about the last nail being hammered into Cyril Ramaphosa's political coffin. Or about a fat, repulsive ex-spook stabbing South Africa in the back, not to put it out of its misery, but...
No Country for Young Men
June, apparently, is Youth Month. To find out what stimulating events the Ministry of Youth, if there even is such a thing, has lined up, I visited the government's website, LieSteal&Destroy.gov.z...
A letter to the ‘General’
The high court in Middelburg on Monday convicted Harry Knoesen, the self-proclaimed leader of a group called the National Christian Resistance Movement, also known as the “Crusaders”, on five counts i...