Xmas shopping for the lazy and the drunk
Christmas is around the corner and you still haven't bought presents and you'd rather pour superglue into your ears than go to a mall. I am here to save you. Giving someone one of my ebooks means no w...
Empty nest syndrome is to be welcomed, not feared
Exams are done, and, for some, school's out forever. The kids will soon be moving on. Here are some tips to help stop them from moving back in.
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Once they have graduated and their...
Shoprite, Sho’t Left, Gone in 60 Minutes
Dear Pieter Engelbrecht,
Congratulations on taking home R7.2 million a month. I applaud your restraint. If I were the CEO of Shoprite and had the only keys to the safe, I'd take home a lot more. I'd ...
Boers vs Cape Dutch: Trump can’t add but he can divide
Donald Trump has managed to create the biggest split among Afrikaners since the Voortrekkers abandoned the Cape Colony, leaving behind their more refined Dutch compatriots who had grown to enjoy their...
Golfing for twats
Gary Player has just turned 90. In 2021, he accepted the Medal of Freedom from his charming mate Donald Trump. He's now called for the urgent repeal of BEE laws, describing SA as a "land of squatter c...
Happy Halloween, ya filthy pagans
It’s Halloween tonight and I, for one, cannot wait to put on my succubus suit and go creeping around the neighbourhood late at night banging on doors, shouting: “Trick or treat!” The real sport starts...
I’ll be your whore for the law
Dear Comrade,
While trawling my local newspaper for government jobs that involve huge amounts of money and very little work, I noticed your advertisement calling for interested persons to apply for t...
Mixed marital arts coming to a three-ring circus near you
When I heard UFC was coming to South Africa, I became very excited and ran to the pub instead of driving. Well, I ran halfway there, then called an Uber...
Zamalek over heritage any day
I hope you all celebrated Heritage Day in true South African style and have since been released on bail or discharged from hospital.
Whether your ancestors were put to death by King Shaka, killed by ...
Run for cover – the glass ceiling is cracking!
Stray women are going to have to be rounded up on the streets and shovelled into positions of power
Protest tourism is big in Paris this year
This one's a freebie but if you want to read more about further exploits with the Dirty Blonde and other unrelated new stuff, then please do subscribe. It's in your best interests. Well, mine mostly. ...
23 years later and still on the run
On The Run appeared in the Cape Times 23 years ago today.
Some of you were still at school. The euro had just been introduced. A cellphone featuring a built-in camera was released. Elon Musk h...