08
Dec
Leave your carbon footprint on Eskom's dumb ass
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By
Ben Trovato
Operating under cover of darkness, thanks to those godless incompetents at Eskom, I knocked over the Weber after staging a one-man protest braai. The bad yellow-eyed woman woke me up several hours lat...
24
Nov
Up In Smoke
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By
For a little light relief, here is a column I wrote some time ago.
There was a sphincter-clenching advertisement in last week's Sunday papers. It came with a WARNING and featured a giant photograph o...
20
Nov
Prophet and Loss
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By
I feel sick when I think of all the people selling their icons for a bag of cash and a pound of power. More than 150 million plastic crucified Jesuses are pumped out each year. Cuba sells Che Guevara ...
26
Oct
Doggy just went out of style
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By
My attention was snared by a story that Malaysia’s predominantly Islamic population had been rocked by a shocking event held in a park on the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur. What depraved act had been comm...
24
Oct
A letter to the horn-happy hunters
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By
Dear Dawie Groenewald and your gay brother, Janneman. Sorry, Janneman. Maybe you aren’t gay. But what the hell kind of name is Janneman? It’s fucked up, that’s what it is. You got the good name, Dawie...
24
Oct
Martial bliss
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By
The Malemas of Seshego and the Hofmeyrs of Pretoria are delighted to announce the marriage of their sons, Julius and Steve.
11
Jul
Big or small – we kill ’em all
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By
Hunters like Melissa Bachman and Kendall Jones are way braver than I am.
For a start, I wouldn’t dare go on a canned lion hunt because those lions are drugged and you don’t know what a lion on drugs ...
03
Jul
An open letter to Kendall Jones – femme fatale of the African jungle
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By
Dear Kendall,
May I call you Kendall? Ms Jones sounds so formal. Besides, I feel like I know you. Yes, I do mean ‘know’ in the biblical sense. You look eerily similar to a dozen or so women I’ve slep...
11
Jun
A misanthrope’s lament
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By
Writing is a solitary business. But so is life, if we allow it be.
I'm neither talented nor crazy enough to be a genuine recluse, yet I find myself becoming increasingly isolated. It's not so much th...
26
Nov
The battle of the sexes is alive and – well ….
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By
I was elated to hear that dozens of men had been arrested as part of the celebrations for the government's 16 Days of Activism to End Violence Against Women and Children.
Personally, I don't think th...
17
Nov
An Open Letter to Melissa Bachman
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By
Dearest Melissa,
I just wanted to say how much I love that photo of you posing next to the lion you killed in South Africa.
The picture has gone around the world and everyone thinks you are absolute...
25
Jun
The Final Countdown to Total Onslaught
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By
Here's a piece I wrote in 2013. Of portents, premonitions and preppers.
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I was out the other evening and happened to ask a passing waiter to bring me a fresh beer. He ...