The Agony and the Methylenedioxymethamphetamine
Men in white coats tell us that hangovers are caused by the excessive intake of alcohol. Funny, then, how it was men in white coats saying, “Can I bring you another?” that caused all the trouble in th...
Leave your carbon footprint on Eskom's dumb ass
Operating under cover of darkness, thanks to those godless incompetents at Eskom, I knocked over the Weber after staging a one-man protest braai. The bad yellow-eyed woman woke me up several hours lat...
Up In Smoke
For a little light relief, here is a column I wrote some time ago.
There was a sphincter-clenching advertisement in last week's Sunday papers. It came with a WARNING and featured a giant photograph o...
Prophet and Loss
I feel sick when I think of all the people selling their icons for a bag of cash and a pound of power. More than 150 million plastic crucified Jesuses are pumped out each year. Cuba sells Che Guevara ...
Doggy just went out of style
My attention was snared by a story that Malaysia’s predominantly Islamic population had been rocked by a shocking event held in a park on the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur. What depraved act had been comm...
A letter to the horn-happy hunters
Dear Dawie Groenewald and your gay brother, Janneman. Sorry, Janneman. Maybe you aren’t gay. But what the hell kind of name is Janneman? It’s fucked up, that’s what it is. You got the good name, Dawie...
Martial bliss
The Malemas of Seshego and the Hofmeyrs of Pretoria are delighted to announce the marriage of their sons, Julius and Steve.
Big or small – we kill ’em all
Hunters like Melissa Bachman and Kendall Jones are way braver than I am.
For a start, I wouldn’t dare go on a canned lion hunt because those lions are drugged and you don’t know what a lion on drugs ...
An open letter to Kendall Jones – femme fatale of the African jungle
Dear Kendall,
May I call you Kendall? Ms Jones sounds so formal. Besides, I feel like I know you. Yes, I do mean ‘know’ in the biblical sense. You look eerily similar to a dozen or so women I’ve slep...
A misanthrope’s lament
Writing is a solitary business. But so is life, if we allow it be.
I'm neither talented nor crazy enough to be a genuine recluse, yet I find myself becoming increasingly isolated. It's not so much th...
The battle of the sexes is alive and – well ….
I was elated to hear that dozens of men had been arrested as part of the celebrations for the government's 16 Days of Activism to End Violence Against Women and Children.
Personally, I don't think th...
An Open Letter to Melissa Bachman
Dearest Melissa,
I just wanted to say how much I love that photo of you posing next to the lion you killed in South Africa.
The picture has gone around the world and everyone thinks you are absolute...