What? Me worry?
I have begun worrying about things. This is unusual for me. I have worried very little ever since leaving school.
Worrying has an effect on one’s health. It also has an effect on one’s financial statu...
Doggy just went out of style
My attention was snared by a story that Malaysia’s predominantly Islamic population had been rocked by a shocking event held in a park on the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur. What depraved act had been comm...
Hey Oscar, how’s the reception in Cell C?
Howzit Oscar, Congratulations, boet. You’ve got to be the luckiest oke alive. Okay, maybe not the luckiest. But still. For the judge to have bought your ‘intruder’ story was a miracle on its own. And ...
A letter to the horn-happy hunters
Dear Dawie Groenewald and your gay brother, Janneman. Sorry, Janneman. Maybe you aren’t gay. But what the hell kind of name is Janneman? It’s fucked up, that’s what it is. You got the good name, Dawie...
Patently not inventors
Our government is worried that not enough people are applying for patents. In other words, South Africans are useless when it comes to coming up with stuff that nobody else has thought of.
And it’s n...
Martial bliss
The Malemas of Seshego and the Hofmeyrs of Pretoria are delighted to announce the marriage of their sons, Julius and Steve.
Ways to leave your lover (without going to jail)
It is not uncommon for a man to find himself in a situation where he has to get rid of a wife or girlfriend at short notice. There are several ways of accomplishing this. Personally, however, I wouldn...
Speed up or die
Happy International Day of the Older Person.
It's not today. It was sometime earlier in the week. I forget when, exactly. Wednesday, I think. Not being able to remember stuff is one of the side effec...
Poaching Private Rhino
"Reports received that SA #rhino poaching kingpin Hugo Ras has been sentenced to 29 years in jail today for fraud, theft & illegal possession of firearms." – Oxpeckers Center, 18 May 2021.
If t...
No woman, no slaai
The loss of life today is going to be quite spectacular, even by South African standards.
Thousands of pigs, sheep, goats, cows and chickens are right now fighting among themselves for the honour o...
Just another bank robbery
I'm good at handling money in much the same way that Oscar Pistorius is good at handling guns. But at least nobody dies as a result of my negligence. Well, I probably will, but that's my own damn faul...
Bravely entering virgin territory
I knew this assignment was going to be different the moment I got the call. “How would you like to join the King of the Zulus in ogling thirty thousand topless virgins?” I was packed in under ...