Bravely entering virgin territory
I knew this assignment was going to be different the moment I got the call. “How would you like to join the King of the Zulus in ogling thirty thousand topless virgins?” I was packed in under ...
The bandersnatches are on their way
We have finally overtaken Britain as the world’s foremost nation in whining and complaining.
Crime is too high. Standards are too low. Sex is too fast. Service is too slow. I hate my job. I ...
Beavers and headbutts
Last week I decided the mind was a lost cause, but the body was still in with a fighting chance. Acting on the assumption that transformation shouldn’t take more than one edition of Men’s Health, I pu...
Fat is the new thin
My mother always emphasised the importance of developing the mind. “Be careful what you put in it,” she would say. From a young age, it was my second favourite organ – of course I was going to...
Trannies without fannies
Men don’t really know how to celebrate Women’s Day without running the risk of being called patronising or sexist. All we can do, really, is dress up as a woman and feel what it’s like to walk in thei...
A letter to God
Dear God,
Sorry to bother you while you’re on holiday. I just felt like getting some stuff off my chest. I’m sure your in-box is stuffed with requests, complaints and demands going back hundreds of y...
Avoiding the matriarchal monsoon
The Mother City is a terrible place for a man to be during Women’s Month. Whenever it rains, the gutters run pink with oestrogen and the bars fill up with jackbooted lesbians. And there are still thre...
Of vigilantes and jogging
I find it difficult to focus on any one particular subject this week. For that, I blame the early onset of a mid-life crisis, Vladimir Putin, Israel, Facebook, Twitter and Windhoek lager.
My weekly d...
Mother of all reviews
Incognito: A Breathless Read for All the Right Reasons
Writing vigorous material is not easy. And documenting a life from within a first person perspective can be a pit o...
A complex problem
The gates to the complex had jammed shut and the residents were getting jumpy. People were late for work and I was late for a surf. Through the trees, beyond the electrified fence, I could see the oce...
Lotto for the literate
A lot of people are asking me how they can get hold of my latest book without actually paying money for it. That’s just how they roll.
One of the ways is to enter a competition being run by the publi...
A letter to King Goodwill Zwelithini
Dear Comrade King,
You, sir, are a true king. You are not only the king of the Zulus, but you are also king of the land claims.
While everyone else is pussyfooting around, demanding a farm here or a...