An open letter to Nompumelelo Ntuli-Zuma
Dear Nompumelelo,
I liked your style right from the moment I saw that picture of you at your wedding wearing a dress that appeared to have been made entirely out of banknotes. You don't get classier ...
No wealth and common as dirt – Durban takes the lead
Parties exploded across Durban last week when Edmonton withdrew its bid to host the 2022 Commonwealth Games, leaving this glittering jewel of the east coast the sole bidder.
It should be said, though...
A waste of energy
I have been on the road for a few days, driving relentlessly into the sunrise, and I buy a newspaper whenever I can. However, there is a certain amount of news lag as the cities are reduced to towns a...
I am not Patrice Motsepe
I feel sorry for Patrice Motsepe. For a start, he's the fourth richest man in the country. Fourth is a terrible position. I always came fourth in athletics at school, regardless of the event, and it w...
A Day at the Races
A 10km-deep snarl of traffic surrounded Kenilworth racecourse and our mood was dark and ugly by the time we swerved into the J&B Met VIP parking area.
“Media,” I shouted, flashing my black wristba...
An open letter to the Grade One class of 2015
Hello kiddies. I'm your Uncle Ben and I'm here to help explain what's happening to you.
First of all, welcome to hell. You think the last five years of living with your parents was rough? That's nothi...
You call that a circus?
I did something the other night that I haven't done since I was a kid. No, not wet the bed. I went to the circus. It was set up on a nearby field and I didn't have anything on so I drove down there bu...
The filth and the fury
Shell-shocked, I trail through the house kicking aside empty beer bottles and accumulating a thick layer of animal hair on the soles of my feet. By the time I find the bad yellow-eyed woman, I look li...
2015 – A DIY kind of year
Friends, Romans, countrymen. Lend me your beers.
This year, ask not what your government can do for you because you tried that last year and it worked about as well as DStv in the rain. You be...
Here's to Pope Gregory
New Year’s Eve.
My liver huddles up against my spleen and whimpers at the mere mention of it. Come out, you lily-livered coward. I need you now more than ever.
To be honest, and I think honesty is imp...
The Agony and the Methylenedioxymethamphetamine
Men in white coats tell us that hangovers are caused by the excessive intake of alcohol. Funny, then, how it was men in white coats saying, “Can I bring you another?” that caused all the trouble in th...
Lord of the Piston Rings
Now that Christmas is behind us and we have had our fill of the body and blood of Christ and no longer feel beholden to preach peace and goodwill to all and sundry, we can return to being the people w...