Dear Saudi Arabia
Congratulations on your decision to kill the Shiite boy who goes by the name Ali Mohammed al-Nimr. Teenagers are dreadful at the best of times, what with their sighing and eye-rolling and endless dema...
Backwards to the future
Dear Comrade President Zuma,
Congratulations on your narrow escape at the reed dance in Nongoma the other day. I was alarmed to read that hundreds of bare-breasted virgins had become possessed by dem...
Advance Australia Unfair
After flying halfway around the world I arrived in Joburg hung over, hysterical with sleep deprivation and barely able to walk upright on my mangled economy class legs. It was freezing cold and I was ...
Here’s to the Loerie Awards
I’d like to buy the world a gram and garnish it with thrills, Grow dagga trees and jail keys, and snow white Mandrax pills.
Word on the street is that the advertising industry subsists on a diet of p...
Stayin’ Alive – South Africa’s new disco anthem
The Americans sent men to the moon in 1969 but we can't work out how to put our traffic lights on a separate circuit.
And now, on top of the electricity shedding, there's water shedding.
Stop compla...
An open letter to ANC Secretary General Comrade Gwede Mantashe
Dear Comrade Gwede,
Well done on giving our courts a swift kick in the nuts. That'll teach them to have what you call a negative attitude towards the government. It's almost as if they believe the my...
A letter to Big Jake
Dear Comrade Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma the First, by the Grace of God President of the Republic of South Africa, Head of the Household, Defender of the Faith, Pastor of the Flock, Defeater of the Mbek...
Rotten to the core
Swirling Eddie came to see me last night. I've known him since I was a child but I rarely encourage his visits because his moral compass is horribly out of whack and I don't need any help when it come...
Unprotected and exposed
The lights were turned down low. I was nervous. This was my first time. He smiled when I walked in. Gently took my hand in his. I recoiled as he began stroking my arms. "Just relax," he murmured, runn...
Happy St Patrick’s Day
Why is it that the Irish have all the fun? To be sure, there was that nasty business with the potatoes in 1845, but if it weren’t for the Great Hunger, Boston and New York wouldn’t be the same today.
...
Retire when the wheels come off
I came across a headline in one or other financial supplement the other day.
"Do you dream of a happy retirement?"
I sprang from my bed, naked, and ran onto the balcony.
"Yes! Yes!" I shouted, rais...