How to deliver a baby
At this time of year, it’s a good idea for all of us to have some sort of First Aid training. We – and not just the government – are a disaster-prone people and you never know when you might be called...
Of holidays past
I can’t remember who came up with the idea, but it was in the middle of one of those warm family moments when everybody is fighting over the last of the crumpets and tequila and someone shouted, “Let’...
Leave your carbon footprint on Eskom's dumb ass
Operating under cover of darkness, thanks to those godless incompetents at Eskom, I knocked over the Weber after staging a one-man protest braai. The bad yellow-eyed woman woke me up several hours lat...
A matter of degrees
Even though I have never lied about my qualifications, I still managed to reach the top of my field. Okay, that's not true. I don't have a field. But I did manage to reach the top of my garden once. I...
Give thanks for what?
I fail to see what everyone is getting so cheerful about. Yes, the year is almost over. But there will be another after that, bringing with it more power cuts, higher interest rates, spiralling corrup...
Sharks can bite me
I am a surfer. Condemn me if you must, but there it is.
I do other things, too, of course, because I am now too old to earn a living from the sport. Sure, I could make surfboards out of compressed mar...
Parliament seeks scapegoats
Parliament is running an advertisement in some of the papers. This venereal institution is not, as one might think, looking for a Speaker capable of keeping order without calling in an air strike. A S...
The night Bobby dropped in on Osama
An open letter to Robert O’Neill, the American soldier who killed Osama bin Laden
Hey Bobby!
When I saw a headline this week saying, “The Seal who killed Osama”, my first thought was that the true st...
Smoke that cob
The bad yellow-eyed woman said she was going for an afternoon nap. Said I should buy some fish for supper. And not a chunk of hake deep-fried in a vat of recycled batter, which, as everyone knows, is ...
Doggy just went out of style
My attention was snared by a story that Malaysia’s predominantly Islamic population had been rocked by a shocking event held in a park on the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur. What depraved act had been comm...
A letter to the horn-happy hunters
Dear Dawie Groenewald and your gay brother, Janneman. Sorry, Janneman. Maybe you aren’t gay. But what the hell kind of name is Janneman? It’s fucked up, that’s what it is. You got the good name, Dawie...
Martial bliss
The Malemas of Seshego and the Hofmeyrs of Pretoria are delighted to announce the marriage of their sons, Julius and Steve.