Land of the free-for-all
If you look up land reform in South Africa in an atlas, you will see a picture of a Neanderthal armed with a wooden club dispersing a family of Brachiosauruses so that he might build a rudimentary sec...
An open letter to our shiny new president
Dear Comrade Cyril Ramaphosa the First, Defeater of Zuma, Shuffler of Cabinets, Player of Golf, Shaker of Hands, King of Venda Financing, Stepfather of the Nation, I hereby greet you.
I wanted to be t...
Vat cats, budgets and eejits
Patriotic South Africans are hoping that the VAT increase – the first in 25 years – will once and for all stamp out the poor. The impoverished, however, are resilient as all hell and I fear it will ta...
Throw them to the lions
I was woken by church bells last Thursday morning. The sky was a brilliant shade of blue and the birds seemed happier than usual. I could hear the sound of children laughing. It felt as if I were livi...
A final letter to Msholozi
Dear President Zuma,
I have become accustomed to congratulating you on one or other of your remarkable successes – whether it be state capture or simply the acquisition of a fresh wife – and it grieve...
Day Zero's bubble bursting bonanza
The water crisis in Cape Town isn't all doom and gloom.
I saw a newspaper headline this week that said, “Drought could damage property values.” This is excellent news for everyone who isn't an estate ...
The new dorsland draadtrekkers
I find it hard to take things too seriously because in a hundred years from now everyone on the planet will have vanished and been replaced by eight billion people who don't currently exist. Also, we ...
Of Mr Feelfokkol and other rats
I got an sms from Standard Bank yesterday. They were very excited to tell me that my Gold Card is my ticket into some kind of draw where I could be selected as a contestant to play the bank's new tele...
Dear Ancestors …
In times of great misfortune and uncertainty it is an African tradition to consult your ancestors and ask them to show you the way forward.
In the time of Zuma we have had misfortune in spades. These ...
2018 – Year of the year
2018 is going to be the best year. I don't mean compared to last year. Or even the year before, whatever that was. Maths was never my strong suit. I'm talking about the best year in the history of tim...
New Year's Eve
My liver huddles up against my spleen and whimpers at the mere mention of it. Come out, you coward. I know you're in there. I need you now more than ever.
To be honest, and I think honesty is importan...
Invasion of the data snatchers
A tsunami of want is once again engulfing the country. I want to go on holiday. I want a new car. I want a divorce. Everyone wants something at this time of year. From selling bits of seaweed tied tog...