Aisles of outrage
I live in the disunited states of South Africa. My own personal state is one of outrage. Yours might be anxiety or depression or quite possibly all three. I suppose there are those who live in a perma...
If you can't join them, beat them
Zulu King Goodwill Zwelithini says the problem with education today is that teachers are no longer allowed to beat the children. Speaking at a gathering of principals and school governing bodies recen...
Even the good times are bad
There was a knock on my front door on Wednesday morning. I opened it to find a matching pair of men in cheap suits standing on my Go Away mat with simulated smiles stuck on their stupid faces.
“Have ...
Blowhard vs Dotard
Dear Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of the Glorious Democratic People's Republic of Korea, Invincible Ninja Assassin and Grandmaster Flash of the Nuclear Holocaust,
Well done on telling that power-crazed...
Cheap lies & dumb points
So here we are, clinging to shattered shards of hope trying desperately not to get swept away in the poisonous torrents of traducement that spew from the repulsive mouths of our lords of the lies and ...
Blowing your own horns
Dear John Hume,
Congratulations on being the world's largest rhino breeder. How big are you? Are you the size of a rhino? It doesn't matter. For all I know, rhino breeders are tiny and you are simply ...
Tuesday's Great Confidence Trick
Dear Honourable and Dishonourable ANC Members of Parliament,
So, a big day for you on Tuesday. You get to tell the nation that you have confidence in Jacob Zuma as our president. At the same time, you...
Cut me loose, mongoose
The parking reserved for doctors was jammed with sparkly Mercs, BMWs and Audis. There was also a Toyota Corolla. Probably belonged to one of them Cuban doctors who come over here and take all our jobs...
Home, James, and don't spare the wotsits
Thirty hours and three flights later, I'm back from Bali. It was 29 degrees when I left Denpasar Airport wearing what I'd worn for a month – baggies, t-shirt and slops. It was four degrees the morning...
The naming of cities is a difficult matter; it isn't just one of your holiday games
There are evenings in which I toy with the idea of going into politics. Of forming my own party. Running for president. Declaring a three-day working week, introducing free-roaming lions to the suburb...
Long haul to Bali
If you have to go to Bali at short notice but lack access to a high-powered boat fitted with supplementary vodka tanks, supersonic stabilisers and three depraved Scandinavian contortionists, you shoul...
Bell Pottinger – experts in reputation damagement
Dear Victoria Geoghegan, Doyenne of Public Relations, Lion of Bell Pottinger, Doctor of Spin and Master of Mass Distraction,
On behalf of all South Africans apart from those who hate you, allow me to ...