Helen of Troyeville – The face that launched a thousand tweets
Dear Madam Premier Helen Zille the First, Grand Panjandrum of the Western Cape and Lady of the House,
When I read your tweets suggesting that colonialism wasn't an entirely bad idea, I immediately sus...
An open letter to the Minister of State Security
Dear Honourable Comrade Mahlobo,
I have been meaning to write to you for some time to congratulate you on your meteoric rise from humble ANC deployee in the department of fisheries to the exalted glor...
Welcome to the future
Speech to Parliament by South African President Nomzana Naidoo-Green on the Occasion of National Men’s Month 2307
Madam Speaker
Honourable Madam Members
Madam Chair of the National Council of Provi...
Data is the curse of the drinking class
If my column makes less sense than usual, you can blame MTN. I am currently without a landline, you see. It's not that I haven't tried to get one but everybody I talk to wants proof of address. It's b...
Tips for "Flash" Gordhan
Finance Minister Pravin Gordhan delivers his budget in parliament tomorrow. Here's what I'm hoping to see.
Sell Eskom to Seedat’s Scrap Metal in Randburg and convert the Cape Flats into a wind farm....
The intelligent designer is a moron
The stomach-churning, brain-curdling news that Donald Trump is the 45th American president continues to give rise to all manner of existentialist questions like: What the fuck? Is this really happenin...
An open letter to Donald Trump
Dear Glorious Leader of the Free World,
I kneel before you with my unworthy eyes averted so your magnificent radiance does not blind me like it blinded all those people who said the crowd at your inau...
Suffering from terminal holidayitis
One of the biggest drawbacks of being self-employed is that you're never really sure when it is that you're no longer on holiday.
“C'mon! It's the festive season. Let's party!”
“Go home, Ben. It's Mar...
A year of singing, dancing and improvised explosive devices
The generation known as Millennials seems relatively unmoved by the wave of carnage that swept through the ranks of the rich and famous in 2016. Leonard who? Carrie Fisher the astronaut? Princess Leia...
Helpful holiday hints
Now is a time for reflection, a time for evaluating the year gone by and a time to make fresh plans for the year ahead. More importantly, though, it is a time to lie on the beach and chuck as much alc...
Unleash the troglodytes
Today, 178 years ago, the Voortrekkers defeated a Zulu army at the Battle of Blood River. And today, the Boers and the Zulus will join forces to defeat me at the Battle of Gateway shopping centre.
The...
Jingle Hells
School holidays should be abolished.
Our creaking infrastructure and shattered nerves can no longer withstand the blitzkrieg of semi-educated savages at the end of every year. There should be new rule...