Lunchtime O’lympics
It is Day 10 of this sickening display of narcissism and there is still a week to go. I don't know how much longer I can endure lying on the couch shouting, “Run, you lazy bastard!” and “Lift those we...
Sex ‘n drugs ‘n frock ‘n roll
I am a feminist at heart and wouldn't claim to be anything else, so I called Ted and said we ought to celebrate our inner women by pretending to be women, which is what I expect women would want men t...
Women’s Month – Next year will be better
I was trying to figure out why the people who bring out this particular magazine had specifically chosen the August edition to pay tribute to women. Then I remembered. Both the publisher and the edito...
A whitey’s guide for darkies
White South Africans, much like white sharks, are one of the most misunderstood animals on the planet. They have a reputation for unpredictable behaviour and non-Caucasians are often afraid to venture...
My doctor might have murdered me
I am girding my loins for the antibiotic apocalypse and I suggest you do the same. Actually, what you do with your loins is none of my business.
I get sick once a year when the seasons turn. This yea...
A buffet called Africa
China, eh? Funny old business. I had one of them Chinese in the back of my car once. Well, he was in the boot, actually. Come to think of it, that wasn't a Chinese at all – it was a spare tyre. Probab...
Tap-dancing gorillas and tenants from hell
Did you know that gorillas make up "food songs" while they eat? A German scientist discovered this "fun new fact" while working with the primates in the Congo. I don't think it's a fun fact at all. I ...
An open letter to Julius “Seizure” Malema
Dear Comrade Julius Malema the First, Commander-in-Chief of the Economic Freedom Fighters, Hero of the Poor, Prince of Pedis, the People's Parliamentarian, Evader of Taxes and Creator of the Revolutio...
It’s all been a terrible mistake
Ah, yes. It's all coming back to me now. Here's one I wrote to Schabir in April 2016.
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Dear Schabir Shaik,
It's a damn shame that you didn't get Judge Willie Seriti in your tr...
Real feminists stand by their men
Dear ANC Women's League,
I apologise for addressing you as a league and not as an individual. Women are so much more than mere leagues these days. My non-sexist sensibilities are telling me – well, sh...
President Zuma, you have mail
Greetings, Mosholozi, in the name of our patron saint Machiavelli and all those who follow the holy gospels of perfidy and artifice.
Well done on surviving yet another attack by the running dogs of … ...
SONA – a dull blip on my radar
President Jacob Zuma's nine-step programme to save the economy has a lot in common with AA's 12-step programme to save alcoholics. They both rely on the intervention of a higher power and … well, that...