Happy St Patrick’s Day
Why is it that the Irish have all the fun? To be sure, there was that nasty business with the potatoes in 1845, but if it weren’t for the Great Hunger, Boston and New York wouldn’t be the same today.
...
A Day at the Races
A 10km-deep snarl of traffic surrounded Kenilworth racecourse and our mood was dark and ugly by the time we swerved into the J&B Met VIP parking area.
“Media,” I shouted, flashing my black wristba...
You call that a circus?
I did something the other night that I haven't done since I was a kid. No, not wet the bed. I went to the circus. It was set up on a nearby field and I didn't have anything on so I drove down there bu...
Parliament seeks scapegoats
Parliament is running an advertisement in some of the papers. This venereal institution is not, as one might think, looking for a Speaker capable of keeping order without calling in an air strike. A S...
A letter to the horn-happy hunters
Dear Dawie Groenewald and your gay brother, Janneman. Sorry, Janneman. Maybe you aren’t gay. But what the hell kind of name is Janneman? It’s fucked up, that’s what it is. You got the good name, Dawie...
Avoiding the matriarchal monsoon
The Mother City is a terrible place for a man to be during Women’s Month. Whenever it rains, the gutters run pink with oestrogen and the bars fill up with jackbooted lesbians. And there are still thre...
Citizen Cane (& Coke)
Citizenship issues seem to be in the news lately. Here's a column I wrote in 2010. Not much has changed.
IF the ANC gets its way, which generally happens in this benevolent dictatorship of ou...
Everybody must get stoned.
Chief Justice Mogoeng Mogoeng is on a mission to put the fear of God into us. He believes South Africa would be a far better country “if religion could be allowed to influence the laws that govern our...
South Africa – a nation of Brit-boeties, Boers, Bantu and other bliksems
South Africa has a long and proud history of democratic rule – along with other shining examples like Cuba, North Korea and the Mongol Empire.
Even though the Khoikhoi and San were taking decisions b...
A letter from South Africa – postal code 419
My dear respected Nigeria,
I came upon your good name in the newspapers and I hope you do not object me to approaching you with this information. I have the believe that you are a reputable and trust...
Renewing my licence to loot
I was sitting in a bar the other day admiring how young and virile I looked in the photo on my driver's licence when I noticed that it had expired. In November. What's the point of having one of these...
The Fear Factor
Comrades, we have new things to fear.
Russia provoking world war three. The Oscar Pistorius trial dragging on for months. Protein.
Let us begin with the first. It’s the least likely to affect us dir...