Annie Got Her Gun

I wanted to write about the recent dramatic developments on the local government front. I really did. It’s got to be worth something, right? Stop me if you’ve heard this one. The DA, the ACDP, the UDM, the Freedom Front Plus and Cope walk into a coalition … ah, fuck it. That’s all I’ve got.
I’ve tried my damnedest to mine the situation for humour but no matter how much I drink, I keep coming up empty. Musi Maimane is not funny. Bantu Holomisa is definitely not funny. Mosiuoa Lekota is a little bit funny. Pieter Mulder is hilarious but the laughter quickly turns to tears. Where is our Donald Trump? It’s not right that America keeps setting the bar to new lows that few nations can reach. Trump is comedy gold. It’s as if someone, maybe Jesus, poured all seven deadly sins into a sack of skin and said, “Go forth and represent the worst of humanity.” Why would he do this? I have no idea. Jesus moves in mysterious ways. From what I’ve heard, he also had a wicked sense of humour. Who else would turn water into wine and then, when everyone’s off their faces, urge them to join him for a stroll across the Sea of Galilee?
I’m not being altogether fair here. Trump embodies only six of the deadly sins. Sloth probably doesn’t apply to him in the same way it applies to you or me.
Turning to Facebook for inspiration is like turning to vodka for sobriety but I did it anyway and that’s where I found Lynette Oxley. Her profile picture is of a Rottweiler looking as if he’s about to chew the photographer’s face off. That’s the fun part. She and her husband Paul run a company in Joburg called Tac Shac. I don’t know what it means. They sell teddy bears and semi-automatic pistols, shotguns and rifles that are the civilian versions of military weapons systems. Okay, I lie. They don’t sell teddy bears.
Lynette contributes to a blog called gunservant.com. The blog’s logo is, “The Truth is our Weapon.” When ‘truth’ and ‘weapon’ get together in the same sentence, it usually ends badly. Someone called Corinthian, or maybe he lived in Corinthia, once wrote, “In truthful speech and in the power of God, with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left.” I close my eyes and see Clint Eastwood in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. Which, I suppose, pretty much sums up the Bible. And America. And our Cabinet.
Anyway. That’s enough religion for now. In the piece I read, Lynette points out that the media tells us “we are under constant and violent attack by criminals”. If the only reason you think you live in a violent society is because the media tells you so, then you’re not getting attacked enough.
At least 20 people are shot and killed every day in South Africa. More guns is clearly the answer.
She says the only way to level the playing field “with a man twice our size” is by using a gun. The average woman is five-foot-six. This blood-crazed mythical man would, then, be eleven feet tall. Truth? I don’t think so. Okay, fine. Hyperbole is second nature to gun groupies so I’ll let it slide.
Her proselytising is clearly aimed at women. Actually, her contribution to this website was a tribute to Women’s Month. Let’s get started, girls. Anyone for tea and bullets … er, biscuits?
In an attack, the Bad Guys, as she calls them, will go for the men first. “This will give you, as an armed woman, an advantage.” This is just one of the reasons why it’s not a bad idea to have a man around the place. Actually, it might be the only reason.
“If you decide to purchase a firearm, you need to change the way you think.” I imagine you would. For a start, you’d need to stop seeing people as living, breathing human beings and start seeing them as moving targets.
Lynette has been “carrying” since 2003. If a pregnant woman says this to you, don’t assume she’s talking about the contents of her womb. Just run.
She says there’s no point having your gun locked up in a safe – it needs to be with you 24/7. One of the conditions of getting a gun licence is that you have a safe. I don’t know how Lynette gets around this. Maybe she straps the safe to her back.
Oh, right. The law simply says you must have a safe. It doesn’t say you have to keep your gun there. Lynette says carrying your gun 24/7 means you have to make certain arrangements. I expect she’s talking about your VGO – your visible gun outline. In the old days, women needed only worry about their VPL. I don’t know what the answer is. I’ve seen videos of women shoplifters stuffing frozen chickens up their skirts, so I imagine secreting a gun wouldn’t be much of a problem.
She does say that concealed carry would involve having to change your lifestyle and your wardrobe. I’m surprised a fashion designer hasn’t come up with a range of cocktail frocks with discreet built-in holsters for that sexy little 9mm in your life. As for lifestyle, well, I imagine you’d want to avoid those wild house parties where the men get drunk and throw the women into the pool. On the other hand, you do have a gun.
“Please don’t throw me in the pool.”
“Arrr c’mon babe! Why?”
“Because I’ll shoot you in the face if you do.”
Sensibly, she advises women against keeping their gun in their bags. Studies have shown that it takes the average woman between four minutes and two days to find any given item in her handbag.
Lynette says she carries her gun in an inside waistband holster, so if she suddenly shoves her hand down her broeks, you need to know this is not a come-on gesture. This is a go ahead make my day gesture. She also has an outside waistband holster for sport shooting, which presumably is when the mugger starts running. Firing at a moving target is always great sport.
She prefers the outside holster because she has “built significant muscle memory for this position … the gun is where my body is used to it being”. My body is used to being in the slouched-over-the-bar position and only two muscles have any memory worth mentioning.
Lynette says most of her friends “appendix carry” or carry “small of back”. I always thought the small of a woman’s back was one of their more easily locatable erogenous zones. Turns out it’s nothing more than a convenient indentation in which a pearl-handled pistol may nestle. I always wondered about that post-coital metallic taste in my mouth.
Lynette moves on to what she describes as the most controversial issue. I thought it might be, when is it okay to kill someone? Apparently not. The most controversial issue is which firearm to buy. I expect she means controversial in the sense that debate on this topic frequently becomes so heated that people get shot.
She says the size and weight of the gun should “fit in with your particular lifestyle and circumstances”. If, for example, you’re a kindergarten teacher, you might want to look at something smaller than the 1.2m Pfeifer Zeliska revolver. I suppose it all depends on how rowdy your class is.
“One of my biggest irritations are what a lot of men (I am not saying all men) think women should carry.” Typical bloody men. If they’re not trying to murder you, they’re trying to tell you what gun to carry.
Men (not all men) seem to think their women should carry .38 special revolvers. I’d be happy if women just carried their own shopping bags.
Lynette says they’re talking rubbish. Revolvers are bulky, have bad triggers and are hard to shoot. Also, they have a lot of stoppages. They’re like the Mineworker’s Union of handguns. She suggests ladies – as she calls them – should rather go for pistols.
By now, all the girls reading this will be jumping up and down, screaming, “Okay fine! But what caliber? Tell us the caliber!” Relax, ladies. Help is on its way.
Lynette’s all-time fave is a 9mm Parabellum round rather than, say, a 380 auto/9mm short, whatever that is. My knowledge of bullets starts and ends with Black Talon and, for that, I have Oscar Pistorius to thank.
She recommends hollow-point ammunition. They are designed to expand on impact, maximizing tissue damage, blood loss and shock. Yeah! Now you’re talking my language. The expanding bullet decreases penetration, which is a good thing because over-penetration could cause collateral damage. Tell me about it. I’ve lost a number of bedside lamps through that kind of thing.
Lynette reminds us that firearming needs constant practice. She says handgun skills are perishable and can go off if not used. Like bananas. She suggests joining a sporting organisation such as the SA Defensive Pistol Association or the police. Kidding. The police aren’t remotely sporting. They’re quite defensive, though.
“Shoot your gun at least once a month,” she says. If you’re not a joiner, you’re going to have to shoot someone who is committing a crime. Or looks like he’s thinking of committing a crime. Or might have committed a crime at some point in his life. Do it at the end of the month when he’s more likely to have money in his pocket.
Lynette wraps up Guns for Girls 101. “I would like to urge South African ladies to stand up for themselves and take responsibility for their own safety! Don’t moan about crime – do something constructive and get yourself a firearm. Have a safe and awesome day!”
That’s right, ladies. Do your bit. Help end crime by shooting people.

31 thoughts on “Annie Got Her Gun

  1. Alan Martheze says:

    So sorry that I read this article only now – two years later…
    Up to this, I was a Trovato fan, but geez – talk about opinionated!
    As with most hip, modern “civilized” people, Ben lives in the candyfloss and saopbubble world where high fences, armed response and techy alarm-systems protect him and his kin from the evil that prowls the streets.
    By delegating his safety to others, he can divorce himself of the responsibility to carry a means of self-defense. His flippant and Utopian view probably stems from the closest he has been to criminal assault was maybe a cell phone stolen from his purse.
    Ironically his kind is precisely the perfect victim that the criminal preys upon. The criminal of 2018 is no different to the one of 1918 or 1018…in fact he is a much sharper, leaner and deadly predator than his predecessors. To not take active defense is something Ben’s forefathers would not even consider debating – but here he is, mocking the thought of looking after himself.
    What grinds the beans though is that such people who don’t carry a means of self-protection ( something contrary to the laws of nature and everything that’s going on around us) feel morally superior and judgmental towards those who do. They call us: Rambo’s/ Gunnuts / Preppers.
    Sling them arrows Ben, I’m sure you have a quiver-full. Laugh in the face of danger you brave warrior you!
    But rest assured: When that window shatters and the malevolence comes calling, guess who people like this will run to and hide behind…?
    (I bet in the safety of your lounge chair as you read this, you have some witty or pithy comeback there Ben)

  2. Bauermn says:

    What a waste of time this article is. You are clearly trying to be funny and failing properly. I feel sad for you dude. You clearly have no idea what you are on about. In future , wait until you are sober and check what you wrote while you were tripping before publishing shit articles like these.
    Cheers tik-kop

  3. Kim says:

    I’m far more concerned about the unlicensed gun owners, such as criminals than what any licenced gun owner who practices and can defend themselves and even possibly defend me and my family has to say. It really isn’t those who legally own gums who make me worried or make me lose sleep at night. They’re not the ones trying to break into my home or mug me if I dare walk or jog in my neighborhood.

    1. Kim says:

      Thanks auto correct, thanks.

  4. James says:

    Holy fuck, never read a more retarded piece than this…or wait, I have, written by other smart arse anti-gunners who think they know everything.
    Fact is, anti gun ladies and gentlemen, when faced with an attacker and a gun in your hand (or in someone elses as it turned out for me one day) saves your life, well, you will change your tune.
    Stay safe 😉

  5. Kreefstert says:

    Like so many anti-gun articles come and gone this so called satire doesnt add anything new except for a funny clown nose to the tired old arguments we heard before.
    In fact it reeks of desperation by a failed comedian trying his luck at one last joke hoping for some attention.
    Like usual the one question that the anti-gun crowd sidesteps like a Springbok flyhalf is what to do when its your turn to become a statistic. It seems Mr.Trovato is hoping a joke will defuse the situation.
    As to the comments by Mr.Trovato’s fans. Oh well some people still think clownshoes are funny.

  6. Trotskyist? Hilarious. Have fun living in fear, Bulletbrain.

  7. Andrew says:

    Ben, your stance on guns is one of typical trotskyist ignorance.
    Legal firearm owners (those who have completed months of proficiency training, background checks and licensing) are statistically, the most law abiding segment of the population.
    As someone who pretend to be a libertarian, you show utter contempt for people who like to prevent others from impeding on their liberties. When you’re campaigning against the misinformation and public fear of dagga, try to remember that it’s the same socialism-instilled ignorance that gun owners have to deal with.
    If you don’t like guns, or they scare you. Don’t buy one, but quit this BS attitude of treating law-abiding firearm owners like criminals.
    Crime isn’t going anywhere, and a ‘gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone’. I truly hope you never have to experience that fact as anything more than a mental exercise.
    Adios Pothead.
    PS. Remember,when you block people on FB, you merely admit you lost the argument.

    1. Trev says:

      Absolutely hilarious. Ben, your article is almost as funny as the bat-shit-crazy responses from the gun nut gallery.

  8. It is against the laws of nature and grammar to say that I am sheep. Please try harder next time.

    1. BLaCKoNi says:

      Seriously, you shouldn’t attack a person’s grammar when you are the author of a poorly written half researched biased article. By your writing standards I would probably be the next J.R.R Tolkien or G.R Martin.

  9. Ross says:

    So you are a bar-fly who lives in squalor? (Way to represent yourself btw) What makes you think you’re qualified to even have an opinion on the dynamics of self defence for women in a country like ours where they are the target of multiple types of violent crime? Pray tell my opinionated little wash-out, since ‘having a man around’ is such a ridiculous idea, what exactly is a woman in South Africa supposed to do to defend her dignity, her health and her life? Carry a rape whistle? Wait. Maybe she should have 10111 on speed dial or hire a private security team. The only other option it seems is stay home like a good girl, I mean, it’s not like the horror ever finds its way into our homes now is it? Maybe when some aids infested lunatic on withdrawal from tik has invaded body and mind in the most disgusting fashion of someone you care for, you might rethink the whole sanctity of life moral high ground and bigin to understand what a living, breathing ‘moving target’ is all about…. then again you’d probably just crawl into the nearest bottle in a foetal position.

    1. Matthew Jonker says:

      Well said ross. Tiresome blowhards all who claim to not need to defend themselves or claim gun owners just will nilly go around shooting anyone

    2. Ah, Ross. I’d be so much more inclined to take you seriously if you knew how to spell the word “begin”. Shame.

      1. Strider says:

        Damn,all you take home out of that is he misspelled one word, damn you are sheep aren’t you?

  10. Finally got meself strapped, gonna get me fair share of that loot!

  11. Best breakfast read i’ve had in a while.

  12. Andy Pandy says:

    I laughed so much I accidentally discharged my firearm into my mother-in-law. What’s worse is that we’ve just had the carpets cleaned after the last incident.

  13. kaydesigners says:

    Oh, i got it.. That’s a book

  14. kaydesigners says:

    Hey, that ain’t nice

  15. Sharon says:

    This has to be about one of your best. Are you going to publish another book? Xmas is a pain w.r.t. presents but give them a Ben Trovato book then we are all smiles.

  16. ginnyswart says:

    Of curse I had to check that website the minute you mentioned it. Gun heaven! The article by a guy called Bryan Mennie is hilarious, at least I was chuckling quietly then i realized he was being serious. These gun people live in another world. Yours is a lot funnier.

    1. Matthew Jonker says:

      Bryan mennie is a decorated police officer and respected scholar who knows a lot more about what he is talking about then Mr Trovato who plainly states he doesn’t know anything about self defense

      1. Colleen says:

        He is a ex small town police officer with no degree who resigned with no rank to chase bigger monies in Afghanistan in security as a mercenary.

    2. Sean says:

      Considering Bryan’s extensive experience in policing, perhaps it is you who lives in another world.

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