The Final Countdown to Total Onslaught
Here's a piece I wrote in 2013. Of portents, premonitions and preppers.
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I was out the other evening and happened to ask a passing waiter to bring me a fresh beer. He ...
Noddy sought on Golly abuse charges
To celebrate Noddy’s 60th birthday, Enid Blyton’s granddaughter has added a new book to the series – the first in 46 years. But Sophie Smallwood has cut the black golliwogs out of the story, saying th...
An Open Letter To Nelson Mandela
Dear Madiba,
You probably won’t get this because the mail doesn’t always get through to the intensive care unit at the Pretoria Medi-Clinic Heart Hospital, but I thought I’d write to you anyway.
I h...
An open letter to Candith Mashedo-Dlamini – Mpumalanga MEC for Health
Dear Candith,
I can’t help thinking I have developed a lisp every time I say your name, which, admittedly, isn’t often enough for me to worry about a speech defect. But this is not why I am writing t...
An Open Letter To Senzeni Zokwana – President of the National Union of Mineworkers
Dear Comrade,
I hear you are demanding pay rises of around 60% from gold and coal producers. This is ridiculous. What on earth are you thinking? You need to demand increases of at least 150%. This is...
An Open Letter To The African Union
Dear AU,
Congratulation on turning 50! You’ve come a long way without actually going anywhere.
You’ve gone through quite a few changes, too. I remember when you were the Organisation of African Unit...
An Open Letter To Atul Gupta
Dear Atul,
May I call you Atul? You have been in the news so frequently that you feel like an old friend. A friend who once banged my wife, but a friend, nevertheless.
I have so many questions for y...
An Open Letter to President Jacob Zuma
Dear #1,
Do you mind if I call you Number One? It has the ring of victory to it. Oh sure, it also has ablutionary connotations, but you won’t find anyone in my circle of friends saying things like, “...
A Bitter Pill To Swallow
I may be wrong, but on the list of requirements for a better world, I would imagine that longer-lasting erections would be placed fairly low down. Somewhere between self-replacing toilet rolls and bar...
Good Health Can Kill You
As a child I was told that an apple a day would keep the doctor away. Now, low salaries and poor working conditions keep the doctor away. Far away. As in Perth. Or toyi-toying in the parking lot outsi...
A-Z of Travel in Africa
A is for Anopheles, a murderous little bastard who drinks your blood and thanks you for it by infecting you with malaria. Also for Adoption, which gives African orphans the chance to be exposed to a l...
Let’s All Drink To The Death Of A Clown
This is the first time in ten years that I haven’t had a weekly deadline for a newspaper column.
The first five were with the Cape Times, the second five with the Sunday Times. It’s very unsettling t...