26
Dec
Still no Jesus among Xmas babies
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By
Ben Trovato
I like to think of this week as the year’s perineum. In 2025 we’re either going to hit the sweet spot or find ourselves even deeper in the … okay, that’s about as far as I’m going with that particular...
18
Dec
Things to do with the kids
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By
School holidays should be abolished.
Our creaking infrastructure and shattered nerves can no longer withstand the blitzkrieg of semi-educated savages at the end of every year. There should be new r...
16
Dec
Jingle Hells
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By
All that is preventing hostilities from breaking out in shopping mall parking lots across the country are the Congolese and Rwandan car guards. They have seen some terrible things, and I’m not even ta...
15
Dec
Letters to Santa…
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By
Cyril Ramaphosa: Dear Santa, I have been good this year. On the other hand, perhaps I haven't. It is hard to say. I am applying my mind and will let you know in due course. As a fan of your work, I am...
20
Dec
Xmas shopping for the cheapskates and the drunk
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By
It’s that time of year when the ravening dogs of capitalism are out of the cages and straining at their leashes. Their eyes are red and wet and their foam-flecked jaws snap and slaver. Soon they will ...
20
Dec
Mayhem and merriment at the mall
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By
All that is preventing hostilities from breaking out in shopping mall parking lots across the country are the Congolese and Rwandan car guards. They have seen some terrible things, and I'm not even ta...
20
Nov
Buy buy baby
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By
Hark, the Christmas tills do ring. The season of giving, taking, looting, stabbing and shooting is almost upon us. The Little Drummer Boy has already driven me from at least two malls.
All you can ...
16
Dec
Mall makes Blood River look like a picnic
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By
Today, 180 years ago, the Voortrekkers defeated the Zulus at the Battle of Blood River.
And in 180 minutes from now, the Boers and the Zulus will join forces to defeat me at the Battle of Gateway S...
21
Dec
How much for that Baby Jesus?
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By
The best part of Christmas shopping is driving into one of those monstrously phallic parking garages and discovering that it ascends in tightly wound spirals. The secret lies in steadily increasing yo...
06
Dec
It's that time of year when …
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By
It's that time of year when boilerplate journalists stare out the window, sigh heavily and begin writing stuff that begins with “It's that time of year when ….”
Calling them journalists gives them mor...
24
Dec
Helpful holiday hints
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By
Now is a time for reflection, a time for evaluating the year gone by and a time to make fresh plans for the year ahead. More importantly, though, it is a time to lie on the beach and chuck as much alc...
06
Dec
A season for exchanging gifts and bodily fluids
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Bloody Christmas. Again. Squeaky little humanoid hamsters on a giant treadwheel in the sky. Round and round we go. Well, I've had enough. Stop this thing. I want to get off.
Why the 25th of December, ...