Mayhem at the mall
All that is preventing hostilities from breaking out in shopping mall parking lots across the country are the Congolese and Rwandan car guards. They have seen some terrible things, and I’m not even ta...
Xmas shopping for the lazy and the drunk
Christmas is around the corner and you still haven't bought presents and you'd rather pour superglue into your ears than go to a mall. I am here to save you. Giving someone one of my ebooks means no w...
Still no Jesus among Xmas babies
I like to think of this week as the year’s perineum. In 2025 we’re either going to hit the sweet spot or find ourselves even deeper in the … okay, that’s about as far as I’m going with that particular...
Things to do with the kids
School holidays should be abolished.
Our creaking infrastructure and shattered nerves can no longer withstand the blitzkrieg of semi-educated savages at the end of eve...
Jingle Hells
All that is preventing hostilities from breaking out in shopping mall parking lots across the country are the Congolese and Rwandan car guards. They have seen some terrible things, and I’m not even ta...
Letters to Santa…
Cyril Ramaphosa: Dear Santa, I have been good this year. On the other hand, perhaps I haven't. It is hard to say. I am applying my mind and will let you know in due course. As a fan of your work, I am...
Xmas shopping for the cheapskates and the drunk
It’s that time of year when the ravening dogs of capitalism are out of the cages and straining at their leashes. Their eyes are red and wet and their foam-flecked jaws snap and slaver. Soon they will ...
Mayhem and merriment at the mall
All that is preventing hostilities from breaking out in shopping mall parking lots across the country are the Congolese and Rwandan car guards. They have seen some terrible things, and I'm not even ta...
Buy buy baby
Hark, the Christmas tills do ring. The season of giving, taking, looting, stabbing and shooting is almost upon us. The Little Drummer Boy has already driven me from at least two malls.
All you can ...
Mall makes Blood River look like a picnic
Today, 180 years ago, the Voortrekkers defeated the Zulus at the Battle of Blood River.
And in 180 minutes from now, the Boers and the Zulus will join forces to defeat me at the Battle of Gateway S...
How much for that Baby Jesus?
The best part of Christmas shopping is driving into one of those monstrously phallic parking garages and discovering that it ascends in tightly wound spirals. The secret lies in steadily increasing yo...
It's that time of year when …
It's that time of year when boilerplate journalists stare out the window, sigh heavily and begin writing stuff that begins with “It's that time of year when ….”
Calling them journalists gives them mor...