Jose Cuervo for the Flaming Eyeball
There is so much barbarity and horror in the news these days that when a feel-good story from another country pops up, it gives one sufficient cause to break out the amyl nitrate and dancing girls. It...
Long shlep to Freedom Day
All year I had been looking forward to Freedom Day. Last night, I called Ted. “You do know what day it is tomorrow, don't you?” There was a long pause and a great shuffling of papers.
“Monday?”
I si...
An open letter to Steve Hofmeyr
Howzit boet,
It's good to see you and Sunette Bridges getting involved in this statue business. The revolution needs white people who can sing. It will keep our morale up while we form a laager with ...
The office of the president’s privates
Dear Sir/Madam/Comrade,
I am applying for the post of Deputy Director-General: Private Office of the President. I saw the job advertised in a newspaper that I must have thrown away because I ...
An open letter to Nompumelelo Ntuli-Zuma
Dear Nompumelelo,
I liked your style right from the moment I saw that picture of you at your wedding wearing a dress that appeared to have been made entirely out of banknotes. You don't get classier ...
An open letter to Jacob Zuma
Dear Comrade President,
Are you aware that your office has invited the hoi-polloi to send suggestions about what you should say during your State of the Nation Address next week? You can't possibly ha...
An open letter to the Grade One class of 2015
Hello kiddies. I'm your Uncle Ben and I'm here to help explain what's happening to you.
First of all, welcome to hell. You think the last five years of living with your parents was rough? That's nothi...
You call that a circus?
I did something the other night that I haven't done since I was a kid. No, not wet the bed. I went to the circus. It was set up on a nearby field and I didn't have anything on so I drove down there bu...
The filth and the fury
Shell-shocked, I trail through the house kicking aside empty beer bottles and accumulating a thick layer of animal hair on the soles of my feet. By the time I find the bad yellow-eyed woman, I look li...
2015 – A DIY kind of year
Friends, Romans, countrymen. Lend me your beers.
This year, ask not what your government can do for you because you tried that last year and it worked about as well as DStv in the rain. You be...
Leave your carbon footprint on Eskom's dumb ass
Operating under cover of darkness, thanks to those godless incompetents at Eskom, I knocked over the Weber after staging a one-man protest braai. The bad yellow-eyed woman woke me up several hours lat...
A matter of degrees
Even though I have never lied about my qualifications, I still managed to reach the top of my field. Okay, that's not true. I don't have a field. But I did manage to reach the top of my garden once. I...